Relationship tips from boomers

What's the secret of lasting love? Who better to ask than those who have clocked up rock solid relationships of their own lasting 20, 30, 40 years or more? Mid-life couples speak on the secrets of eternal love.

Living — and loving — in a time before our free-wheeling ways of Internet dating, co-habiting and try-before-you-buy sexuality, mature daters had a very different set of criteria when it came to choosing a mate. In their day, courtship, relationships and marriage were serious business; many a sexagenarian will roll their eyes in disbelief at the Hollywood trend for quickie weddings — and even quicker divorces.

There's a lot to be learned about successful relationships from those who have been together for longer than most of us have been alive!

A united front

Sharing values and goals are important qualities identified by those in enduring relationships. John and Margot have been happily married for 27 years and believe that a similar upbringing — both from large families who grew up in neighbouring country towns — helps cement their partnership. "This really becomes noticeable when you start a family of your own," says Margot.

"If you have similar ideas about things like raising kids, you're less likely to argue about parenting and family matters," she says. "And when you're dealing with your children — particularly teenagers — it's important to back each other up," says John.

For better or worse?

A mature outlook that includes accepting the natural highs and lows in a relationship, is essential to making your love last. "Understanding that you are not going to be happy with each other all of the time is important," says Ron, who's been married to Sylvia for 39 years. "You shouldn't be miserable, but you should be prepared for the occasional rough patch," he says. "The bad times will pass, and real commitment is knowing that this will happen and hanging in there," says Sylvia.

Friends ... and lovers

Maintaining a healthy dose of intimacy is one of the keys to a long-lasting love affair. Passion waxes and wanes and your love takes on new and exciting dimensions, but it's up to you to make sure the flame is not extinguished entirely. "Ross and I are best friends, we do almost everything together," says Diane, a divorcee who has lived with Ross, also divorced, for 18 years. "We also happen to have a great sex life, something I was never happy with during my marriage," she says. "I treat her like a lady, always," says Ross. "We were made for each other."

Kiss and make up

But sex is only part of the equation. Intimacy also involves companionship, affection, and sharing thoughts and feelings in a meaningful way. The ability to argue constructively is an important skill that many long-lasting couples have developed. "Never go to bed angry or upset with each other," says Irene, who's been married to Ted for 34 years. "I always say if you've had a disagreement, kiss and make up and say 'I love you' before going to bed," she says. "We've been married all these years but I still call Irene 'my bride'. It makes her feel special. That's important, making sure the other knows how much they're appreciated," says Ted.

No one's perfect

Accepting faults and flaws — and seeing them as part of the package — is another practice of those in successful, long-lasting relationships. "Joy would drive me crazy with her talking on the phone," says Brian, her partner of 32 years. "Her sister was living in Perth — she's moved near us now, thank God — and I'd come home from work and she'd be yakking away. The phone bills were astronomical. But I love her. What can you do?" he says.

Time for one another

"My grandson Christopher is 21, and he seems to have a new girlfriend every week. I can't keep up," says Wal who's been married to Shirley for 51 years. Wal reveals he spent several years courting Shirley, who was the sister of a cricketing pal. "We got to know each other over time — and there's not much about each other that we don't know after all these years. Young people don't spend enough time really getting to know one another," he says.

Top relationship tips from

lose your sense of humour; have fun with your partner

- Don't demean or belittle your partner in public or in private
- try to change your partner's little quirks and faults
- Acknowledge when you've made a mistake; admit when you're wrong
- Never go to bed on an argument, and always look for a resolution, not a victory
- Give pleasure, not pain; praise your partner often and criticise rarely
- Learn to listen and learn to hear; never stop learning about one another

Understand that relationships change, but if you have a good foundation and commitment to making things work, your love can last a lifetime.