Why Are You Single?

Get over your obstacles and find love...by Jennifer Good

So here you are spending another Sunday morning alone instead of cozying up sharing breakfast in bed with your special someone. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why? I'm not referring to the rhetorical questions you throw out in the midst of singlehood despair. If you dig a little deeper you might just find a way to break through and realize your dreams of happily ever after.

Below are few of the most common scenarios of why people haven't found love. If any strike a chord follow the advice given. If not, take some time for honest self-discovery and find out what's blocking you.

1. Too busy to even think about love.

With all of life's demands these days, taking time to find a partner can seem incredulous. Instead, learn to play smart. Make a list of traits you'd like a potential partner to have. Create a list of things you offer and can bring to a relationship. Then, figure out a few places where you'd find the most people with the similar traits you listed. For instance, a golf club, a running group, etc. In addition to this, try an online dating service such as Kiss.com. Just use the information you already created to make your profile!

2. Too scared of heartbreak.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we end up failing before we even get our foot in the door. This is most likely to happen when we dwell on what could happen instead of allowing things to just occur naturally. Don't fixate on the negative otherwise it will be sure to happen. Relax, trust yourself and know that no matter what you go through it will always be something you can handle.

3. No one has met my criteria yet.

Making a list of traits you wish your potential partner to have is something I continually advise. But, like many things there can be a downfall to it. If your list is filled with too many specific traits, such as they must make X amount of dollars a year or they must be from a certain city, you're going to find it difficult to meet anyone. Don't get too carried away, and allow yourself to be open to new experiences. There is something to be said about the old truth of opposites attracting.

4. I couldn't miss the Friday Night TV Movie Special!!

How often do you actually get out to try and meet new people? You're not going to get anywhere if you're sitting at home avoiding the inevitable. If confidence is a factor, do something for yourself. Start a new workout program, get a new hairstyle, or buy a few new clothes. Take some time out to improve yourself. Not only will it make you feel better about yourself, but you'll find yourself more attractive to other people just because of your attitude shift.

5. I'm still in love with my ex.

How can you create a future with someone if you're too busy looking at the past? There are three outlooks to anything - the past, the present and the future. Anytime you overly focus on one outlook the others start to dwindle away. Each day spent avoiding the others is a day wasted. Do whatever it is you need to do to get over it, and move on. Life is full of surprises, twists and turns. It is not an easy, straight path. Let go of your past so you can see what is in store for you just around the corner.

What A Man Really Wants

by Tom McKnight

Though primarily addressed to the women, most men who happen to feel drawn to read this article will find themselves doing so with a touch of curiosity. Of course, they think they already know what a man wants and are curious as to whether I am going to say something different or not.

They think a man wants a good looking woman. Foremost, last and always. And though, as a man, I know where they're coming from, what a man is really looking for is something much deeper than that. He is wanting something to reassure him that he is an alright guy, that he is an okay person, that he is worth something.

In short, what a man really wants is validation.

He seeks this in many ways, a primary vehicle of which is his relationship with women. Something instinctive tells him that she can make him alright. Whether it be by how pretty a woman he can keep at his side, or by the scorecard of how many women he has vanquished in some romantic fashion, he sometimes goes through an entire lifetime attempting to feel good about himself through having relationships with women.

Harvey
In the classic movie taken from the play Harvey, with Jimmy Stewart, there is a scene in which a very rigid psychiatrist, Dr. Willie Chumley, begins to let down his emotional defenses and reveal his true desires in life. He said if his fondest wish were to come true, it would be to just lie in his comfortable chair for hours and have some compassionate female simply rubbing his head, saying over and over, "Poor boy!"

The humor in the character is the fact that there is a little bit of Dr. Chumley in every man. Down deep he wants to be unconditionally loved just like a little boy by a perfect, loving mother.

Pride, of course, causes that vulnerability to be hidden as a man grows from childhood into manhood. First it is hidden from others and then at last it is hidden from himself, but it is still there waiting to be discovered.

Meanwhile, man begins to seek some sort of gratification as a substitute for this missing unconditional love from a source he can look up to, and he usually turns to those substitutes that never quite fill him up, emotionally speaking. There is always something lacking, or as the Rolling Stones have said and capitalized on, he "can't get no satisfaction."

The Key to Winning a Man's Heart
But the fact remains, he is vulnerable, very vulnerable. And for that wise woman who understands this it provides an opening to secure the man of her choice like spearing fish in a barrel!

You see, most men going around trying to sport a good looking woman on their arm, or keeping lists of their female conquests, for one reason and one reason alone: It gives them a sense of validation and being worth something, and that is a feeling they desperately feel the need for.

The only problem is, this kind of validation is temporary and fleeting and, like a drug or alcohol, only leaves him feeling empty and in need of another fix as soon as a little time has gone by.

Man's greatest vulnerability is not a physical need, but a psychological one. It is the need to be loved, but not just loved by anyone - to be loved by someone he senses is emotionally independent and strong. This kind of love is validating and worthwhile.

So, if you as a woman wish to stand out and make a difference to the man of your dreams you have to make up your mind not to be weak. You must demonstrate in your every action that, though you may derive great enjoyment and fulfillment in the company of the man you want, you still have the capacity to survive very well and go on with your life and be happy without him if he ever takes you for granted or misuses you.

A man may think he needs a bimbo by his side to show off to the other guys, but in his heart he knows he's perpetrating a fraud. She may help him make the other guys jealous, evoking a kind of prideful satisfaction in one way on his part, but in his heart he knows she's not what he really wants or needs. He's compromised for this because he's lacking the real thing he wants.

No, what a man really wants is a woman who loves him in spite of himself, but won't put up with his bull.

Validate Your Man
Here are several key points to remember, in trying to bring true love into your life and into the life of the man you choose:

Come to terms with the fact that you don't need anyone to be happy in your life. You may want someone very badly, but in the end you must come to accept the reality that you will always somehow survive if it doesn't happen and you will make the best of what life gives you. Make up your mind that you will not ever tolerate being disrespected, disregarded, misused, abused, or used in any fashion whatsoever. You need not revile against someone who so treats you, but you definitely make your absence felt in their life when they do so. Be reserved in the love you shower upon your man. You may bestow limited tokens of cherishing, but if they are not reciprocated in quantity and kind, back off or your love will become less and less appreciated and ultimately despised.

Learn to listen objectively, and to reflect feelings expressed by him without advising, criticizing, or trying to change him. Don't even offer too much sympathy, lest it be quickly taken for granted. Don't be afraid to be without him for extended periods of time. When he is out of your life, make sure that your life is as happy and productive and fruitful as it ever is when he's around. At the same time, don't throw out a welcome mat that says, "Walk On Me!" the minute he starts coming back around. Show pleasure to see him again, but be restrained.

Conclusion
In essence, then, you have it in your power to calm your troubled man like a little boy in his mother's arms. Therein lies what a man really wants: a Woman who nurtures him but who he can look up to and knows won't take any of his guff.

Be caring, but be strong. Therein lies the key to fulfilling a man's heart. You may wonder why I'm so concerned about meeting the man's needs and not yours, but that's another article. If he isn't fulfilling your needs you're definitely choosing the wrong man.

But if you've got the right man and you become What He Really Wants, such a love must be clung to with all the strength you can muster. For such a love is attainable, but rare in this world of ours.

Three little words

It's not just how you say it but when ...

Recently a woman wrote to me about her boyfriend. She said he was sweet, loving, thoughtful, the perfect guy for her in every way. He brought her flowers, called her a couple of times a day, rubbed her back when they watched movies, and brought her alphabet soup and Meg Ryan flicks when she had the flu.

In fact, not even a night spent on the bathroom floor or a week in the same ratty flannel pajamas seemed to put him off in the least. She felt adored, cherished and cared for. There was just one tiny little thing: After a year of dating, he had never told her he loved her.

Do actions speak louder than words? We'd all like to have the fully-loaded love package complete with fabulous sex, total trust, compatible taste in restaurants and movies, and a deep spiritual connection. In an either/or situation, most people would rather be with someone who shows them love every day with gestures of kindness and affection than with a person who says 'I love you, baby' at every juncture and then puts the moves on their best friend the minute they're out of earshot.

How important are those three little words? April Masini, better known as "The New Millennium's Dear Abby" says: "The first thing that mothers and fathers say to their babies, usually at birth, is 'I love you.' For the next year those are probably the most repeated words that any baby hears. It's no wonder that these imprinted words offer the promise of soothing, unconditional love and comfort to adults."

Some research suggests that men know whether or not they're going to fall in love with someone fairly quickly — usually after about three dates, while women take a bit longer, reserving judgment until the 14th date. Hardly anyone expects to hear the three magic words after just a few weeks, but generally, by the two-month mark, at least one partner has begun to think about the 'L' word, and by six months, both partners have likely given the matter some thought. (Which could explain why most breakups occur at the three-to-five month mark: 'Um, I've been thinking about whether or not I love you, and I don't.')

This seems to be just about the time when the couple starts feeling a little pressure to either say it (usually men) or hear it (usually women.) By the one-year mark, nearly everybody feels under the love gun, and even if all other areas of the relationship are going well, the mere absence of those three little words can gnaw away at a relationship like some sort of romance-eating bacteria.

And if it only takes a few weeks or months before you feel it, why does it sometimes take forever to say it? According to Dr. Erik Fisher and Steve Sharp, authors of The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict, "The reason people withhold is to not appear weak. Men are more commonly socialised to view love as a weakness or a trap. So they may act flippantly or sarcastically when they really love someone instead of risking the appearance of weakness."

The authors also say, "If someone says they love us, we may believe that we owe them something in return." Or, 'if I share these words with someone, I may feel that I now owe them a commitment.'

So maybe it hits you on the seventh date that you have, indeed, fallen in love, and you decide to take the plunge and share your feelings.

According to Masini, "Once the words are spoken, the speaker is going to be waiting to see if the silent one will say it back. This will go on until it's said — or the anxiety and discomfort between you gets so focused on whether the one who says it has too many expectations or the one who doesn't say it isn't truly committed."

And, whether it was in the third grade under the disco ball at the Rollerama or just last week, most of us have experienced that oh-so-horrifying moment when we finally gather up the nerve and tell someone we love them, only to hear the response, ' ... Uh, thanks.'

Other than the obvious, 'I love you too,' Masini says there are a number of appropriate responses if you're not quite sure what to do:

1. Say nothing and smile, appreciatively.

2. Say, 'I wasn't expecting that, but I'm delighted. I hope you can give me a little time to sort my own feelings out as clearly as you have.'

3. Say, 'I don't know if I feel the same way.'

If you're the one who offers up your heart (and those three little words) and your one-and-only is still not saying he/she loves you back three-to-six months after you first say it, Masini suggests, 'you take your love elsewhere.'

Only you can decide if saying 'I love you' is the most important aspect of your relationship, the least important, or somewhere in between. And while there are commonalities regarding what many people believe about how a relationship should progress, the truth is, every couple is different.

Barbara Wright Abernathy, author of Venus on Top offers this final bit of wisdom: "My husband says 'I love you' nearly every day, but the three little words that really turn me on are when he says, 'Honey, you're right.'"

Relationship tips from boomers

What's the secret of lasting love? Who better to ask than those who have clocked up rock solid relationships of their own lasting 20, 30, 40 years or more? Mid-life couples speak on the secrets of eternal love.

Living — and loving — in a time before our free-wheeling ways of Internet dating, co-habiting and try-before-you-buy sexuality, mature daters had a very different set of criteria when it came to choosing a mate. In their day, courtship, relationships and marriage were serious business; many a sexagenarian will roll their eyes in disbelief at the Hollywood trend for quickie weddings — and even quicker divorces.

There's a lot to be learned about successful relationships from those who have been together for longer than most of us have been alive!

A united front

Sharing values and goals are important qualities identified by those in enduring relationships. John and Margot have been happily married for 27 years and believe that a similar upbringing — both from large families who grew up in neighbouring country towns — helps cement their partnership. "This really becomes noticeable when you start a family of your own," says Margot.

"If you have similar ideas about things like raising kids, you're less likely to argue about parenting and family matters," she says. "And when you're dealing with your children — particularly teenagers — it's important to back each other up," says John.

For better or worse?

A mature outlook that includes accepting the natural highs and lows in a relationship, is essential to making your love last. "Understanding that you are not going to be happy with each other all of the time is important," says Ron, who's been married to Sylvia for 39 years. "You shouldn't be miserable, but you should be prepared for the occasional rough patch," he says. "The bad times will pass, and real commitment is knowing that this will happen and hanging in there," says Sylvia.

Friends ... and lovers

Maintaining a healthy dose of intimacy is one of the keys to a long-lasting love affair. Passion waxes and wanes and your love takes on new and exciting dimensions, but it's up to you to make sure the flame is not extinguished entirely. "Ross and I are best friends, we do almost everything together," says Diane, a divorcee who has lived with Ross, also divorced, for 18 years. "We also happen to have a great sex life, something I was never happy with during my marriage," she says. "I treat her like a lady, always," says Ross. "We were made for each other."

Kiss and make up

But sex is only part of the equation. Intimacy also involves companionship, affection, and sharing thoughts and feelings in a meaningful way. The ability to argue constructively is an important skill that many long-lasting couples have developed. "Never go to bed angry or upset with each other," says Irene, who's been married to Ted for 34 years. "I always say if you've had a disagreement, kiss and make up and say 'I love you' before going to bed," she says. "We've been married all these years but I still call Irene 'my bride'. It makes her feel special. That's important, making sure the other knows how much they're appreciated," says Ted.

No one's perfect

Accepting faults and flaws — and seeing them as part of the package — is another practice of those in successful, long-lasting relationships. "Joy would drive me crazy with her talking on the phone," says Brian, her partner of 32 years. "Her sister was living in Perth — she's moved near us now, thank God — and I'd come home from work and she'd be yakking away. The phone bills were astronomical. But I love her. What can you do?" he says.

Time for one another

"My grandson Christopher is 21, and he seems to have a new girlfriend every week. I can't keep up," says Wal who's been married to Shirley for 51 years. Wal reveals he spent several years courting Shirley, who was the sister of a cricketing pal. "We got to know each other over time — and there's not much about each other that we don't know after all these years. Young people don't spend enough time really getting to know one another," he says.

Top relationship tips from

lose your sense of humour; have fun with your partner

- Don't demean or belittle your partner in public or in private
- try to change your partner's little quirks and faults
- Acknowledge when you've made a mistake; admit when you're wrong
- Never go to bed on an argument, and always look for a resolution, not a victory
- Give pleasure, not pain; praise your partner often and criticise rarely
- Learn to listen and learn to hear; never stop learning about one another

Understand that relationships change, but if you have a good foundation and commitment to making things work, your love can last a lifetime.