Inside the male mind

What he texts, what he means.

By Victoria Lucia

Your phone beeps with a new text from the guy you're seeing. Sweet! But while reading the message, excitement turns into confusion as you think what the hell does he mean? To save you from standing around and scratching your head all day, we rounded up some common messages and figured out their real meanings.

He texts: We should go out sometime.

He means: I dig you, but I'm not sure if you like me yet.
"He's tentatively reaching out since he's not suggesting a specific time," says Kristina Grish, author of The Joy of Text. "He's testing the waters without risking rejection."

He texts: I had fun 2nite.

He means: I want to see you again.
Clearly, you rocked because he totally did not have to send this text. "A guy won't think to do a follow-up unless he's really into you and wants to make it happen again," says dating coach Liz Kelly, author of Smart Man Hunting. "Plus, the fact that he's texting you immediately after the date, as opposed to waiting a few days, says that he's not afraid to show his feelings."

He texts: What u wearing?

He means: Let's have a naughty exchange.
This guy, whether it's a new dude or your long-term beau, is up for some R-rated fun (even swapping sexy photos), and this line puts the dirty-banter ball in your court. "He wants to see if you'll volley back with something a little playful and provocative or just shut him down," says Kelly. But play it coy (for instance, nix the nude photos). "Depending on the guy," says Kelly, "being too over the top could backfire."

He texts: What u up 2 L8R?

He means: Wanna meet up and go home together?
Chances are you've received this between 8 and 10 in the evening. "It's probably a mass text, which is sent to every potential hook-up in his phone," says Grish. "He knows that not everyone will reply, but based on the ones who do, he'll have a better sense of who's around." This playboy will keep in touch throughout the night and whittle down his hook-up options.

He texts: Been busy at work.

He means: I'm over it.
Sorry, but if you reached out and this is what landed in your in-box, say days or weeks later, he's just not feelin' it. In fact, he's blowing you off. "Everyone's cell phone is practically glued to their bodies," says Herring. "Nobody is ever too busy to send a five-second reply."

45 Universal Truths About Men

By: Bob Grant, L.P.C. “The Relationship Doctor”

1. Why should I remind you that “I love you?” I already told you once.
2. I’ll do anything for sex; even commit to you for life.
3. I hate arguing with you. I’d much rather find a compromise.
4. I love long hair. Sorry, but I do.
5. When you speak softly, I can’t help but listen.
6. I need to be told “no” sometimes. Not a lot, but every now and again reminds me that you are expensive.
7. Please don’t ask me how you look unless you’re willing to trust my answer.
8. My eyes notice other women a lot more when you are upset with me.
9. When you’re happy with me I can’t help but want to please you.
10. If I don’t feel I can make you happy, it makes me feel less than a man.
11. I expect you to be ready when I pick you up.
12. Cigarettes make any woman look cheap and easy.
13. I'm scared if I let a woman inside my heart, she'll take advantage of me.
14. If you can’t stand up to me when I’m a brat, you’re too weak for me to open up to when I’m upset.
15. Sitting quietly next to me after you’ve made me a meal is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free ticket. You’ll be surprised how quickly I can forgive.
16. You did something hurtful. If I never bring it up, I’m considering leaving you.
17. I don’t read minds. Remember, I’m not a girl.
18. You may know fashion, but I wish you’d dress to please me, not other women.
19. If I’m losing my hair, it’s not funny. Would you like me to joke about your weight?
20. When I talk to you about golf and you act bored, it would be nice for you to remember all the times I listened to you talk about what is important to you.

21. I need some type of signal or cue to walk across the room and approach you. What if you’re married!?
22. It makes me feel like you trust me when you ask for my advice.
23. It feels competitive when you insist on being in charge.
24. Being respected is more important to me that being loved.
25. I want every guy to envy me when we arrive as a couple. Please don’t let yourself go.
26. When I’m upset I am very tone sensitive. How you say it is more important that what you say..
27. I hate it when you minimize/ignore my compliments. It makes me what to stop giving them.

28. I’m more insecure than you think. Why do you think I need your respect so much?
29. I don’t always know how I feel. That’s why I don’t tell you.
30. I don’t need you to do things for me. What I crave is being able to please you.
31. If I do one thing and say something contradictory – Go with my actions, that will always tell you what’s in my heart.
32. I find myself wanting to please you when you simply smile at me without asking for something. (Like a favor).
33. I really don’t want to hear about any of your ex-boyfriends, regardless of the point.
34. If I don’t share what I’m thinking it’s because I don’t think you will listen without interrupting.
35. I don’t like to argue and I don’t like to guess what’s wrong. Just tell me so I can fix it.

36. I love it when you put your hair in a pony tail. Yes, it’s a Freudian thing.
37. Don’t ask me, “Are you going to wear that?” when I’m already dressed.
38. A gentleman should always be respected by his lady in public, even if she is disagreeing with him.
39. If you don’t believe you’re pretty, you won’t believe me when I tell you, no matter how many times I say it.
40. It isn’t how much you weigh; it’s that your body is proportionate which is so attractive.
41. Sometimes I have weird and strange thoughts. I don’t take them seriously and I don’t want to share them with you (or anyone).
42. Sometimes you really don’t want to know what I’m thinking. See above.
43. If you cheat on me, it is nearly impossible for me to get over it.
44. I don’t remember everything about our relationship and that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
45. I need some time to myself to calm down when I’m upset so that I don’t say something I will regret.

Why Are You Single?

Get over your obstacles and find love...by Jennifer Good

So here you are spending another Sunday morning alone instead of cozying up sharing breakfast in bed with your special someone. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why? I'm not referring to the rhetorical questions you throw out in the midst of singlehood despair. If you dig a little deeper you might just find a way to break through and realize your dreams of happily ever after.

Below are few of the most common scenarios of why people haven't found love. If any strike a chord follow the advice given. If not, take some time for honest self-discovery and find out what's blocking you.

1. Too busy to even think about love.

With all of life's demands these days, taking time to find a partner can seem incredulous. Instead, learn to play smart. Make a list of traits you'd like a potential partner to have. Create a list of things you offer and can bring to a relationship. Then, figure out a few places where you'd find the most people with the similar traits you listed. For instance, a golf club, a running group, etc. In addition to this, try an online dating service such as Kiss.com. Just use the information you already created to make your profile!

2. Too scared of heartbreak.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we end up failing before we even get our foot in the door. This is most likely to happen when we dwell on what could happen instead of allowing things to just occur naturally. Don't fixate on the negative otherwise it will be sure to happen. Relax, trust yourself and know that no matter what you go through it will always be something you can handle.

3. No one has met my criteria yet.

Making a list of traits you wish your potential partner to have is something I continually advise. But, like many things there can be a downfall to it. If your list is filled with too many specific traits, such as they must make X amount of dollars a year or they must be from a certain city, you're going to find it difficult to meet anyone. Don't get too carried away, and allow yourself to be open to new experiences. There is something to be said about the old truth of opposites attracting.

4. I couldn't miss the Friday Night TV Movie Special!!

How often do you actually get out to try and meet new people? You're not going to get anywhere if you're sitting at home avoiding the inevitable. If confidence is a factor, do something for yourself. Start a new workout program, get a new hairstyle, or buy a few new clothes. Take some time out to improve yourself. Not only will it make you feel better about yourself, but you'll find yourself more attractive to other people just because of your attitude shift.

5. I'm still in love with my ex.

How can you create a future with someone if you're too busy looking at the past? There are three outlooks to anything - the past, the present and the future. Anytime you overly focus on one outlook the others start to dwindle away. Each day spent avoiding the others is a day wasted. Do whatever it is you need to do to get over it, and move on. Life is full of surprises, twists and turns. It is not an easy, straight path. Let go of your past so you can see what is in store for you just around the corner.

What A Man Really Wants

by Tom McKnight

Though primarily addressed to the women, most men who happen to feel drawn to read this article will find themselves doing so with a touch of curiosity. Of course, they think they already know what a man wants and are curious as to whether I am going to say something different or not.

They think a man wants a good looking woman. Foremost, last and always. And though, as a man, I know where they're coming from, what a man is really looking for is something much deeper than that. He is wanting something to reassure him that he is an alright guy, that he is an okay person, that he is worth something.

In short, what a man really wants is validation.

He seeks this in many ways, a primary vehicle of which is his relationship with women. Something instinctive tells him that she can make him alright. Whether it be by how pretty a woman he can keep at his side, or by the scorecard of how many women he has vanquished in some romantic fashion, he sometimes goes through an entire lifetime attempting to feel good about himself through having relationships with women.

Harvey
In the classic movie taken from the play Harvey, with Jimmy Stewart, there is a scene in which a very rigid psychiatrist, Dr. Willie Chumley, begins to let down his emotional defenses and reveal his true desires in life. He said if his fondest wish were to come true, it would be to just lie in his comfortable chair for hours and have some compassionate female simply rubbing his head, saying over and over, "Poor boy!"

The humor in the character is the fact that there is a little bit of Dr. Chumley in every man. Down deep he wants to be unconditionally loved just like a little boy by a perfect, loving mother.

Pride, of course, causes that vulnerability to be hidden as a man grows from childhood into manhood. First it is hidden from others and then at last it is hidden from himself, but it is still there waiting to be discovered.

Meanwhile, man begins to seek some sort of gratification as a substitute for this missing unconditional love from a source he can look up to, and he usually turns to those substitutes that never quite fill him up, emotionally speaking. There is always something lacking, or as the Rolling Stones have said and capitalized on, he "can't get no satisfaction."

The Key to Winning a Man's Heart
But the fact remains, he is vulnerable, very vulnerable. And for that wise woman who understands this it provides an opening to secure the man of her choice like spearing fish in a barrel!

You see, most men going around trying to sport a good looking woman on their arm, or keeping lists of their female conquests, for one reason and one reason alone: It gives them a sense of validation and being worth something, and that is a feeling they desperately feel the need for.

The only problem is, this kind of validation is temporary and fleeting and, like a drug or alcohol, only leaves him feeling empty and in need of another fix as soon as a little time has gone by.

Man's greatest vulnerability is not a physical need, but a psychological one. It is the need to be loved, but not just loved by anyone - to be loved by someone he senses is emotionally independent and strong. This kind of love is validating and worthwhile.

So, if you as a woman wish to stand out and make a difference to the man of your dreams you have to make up your mind not to be weak. You must demonstrate in your every action that, though you may derive great enjoyment and fulfillment in the company of the man you want, you still have the capacity to survive very well and go on with your life and be happy without him if he ever takes you for granted or misuses you.

A man may think he needs a bimbo by his side to show off to the other guys, but in his heart he knows he's perpetrating a fraud. She may help him make the other guys jealous, evoking a kind of prideful satisfaction in one way on his part, but in his heart he knows she's not what he really wants or needs. He's compromised for this because he's lacking the real thing he wants.

No, what a man really wants is a woman who loves him in spite of himself, but won't put up with his bull.

Validate Your Man
Here are several key points to remember, in trying to bring true love into your life and into the life of the man you choose:

Come to terms with the fact that you don't need anyone to be happy in your life. You may want someone very badly, but in the end you must come to accept the reality that you will always somehow survive if it doesn't happen and you will make the best of what life gives you. Make up your mind that you will not ever tolerate being disrespected, disregarded, misused, abused, or used in any fashion whatsoever. You need not revile against someone who so treats you, but you definitely make your absence felt in their life when they do so. Be reserved in the love you shower upon your man. You may bestow limited tokens of cherishing, but if they are not reciprocated in quantity and kind, back off or your love will become less and less appreciated and ultimately despised.

Learn to listen objectively, and to reflect feelings expressed by him without advising, criticizing, or trying to change him. Don't even offer too much sympathy, lest it be quickly taken for granted. Don't be afraid to be without him for extended periods of time. When he is out of your life, make sure that your life is as happy and productive and fruitful as it ever is when he's around. At the same time, don't throw out a welcome mat that says, "Walk On Me!" the minute he starts coming back around. Show pleasure to see him again, but be restrained.

Conclusion
In essence, then, you have it in your power to calm your troubled man like a little boy in his mother's arms. Therein lies what a man really wants: a Woman who nurtures him but who he can look up to and knows won't take any of his guff.

Be caring, but be strong. Therein lies the key to fulfilling a man's heart. You may wonder why I'm so concerned about meeting the man's needs and not yours, but that's another article. If he isn't fulfilling your needs you're definitely choosing the wrong man.

But if you've got the right man and you become What He Really Wants, such a love must be clung to with all the strength you can muster. For such a love is attainable, but rare in this world of ours.

Three little words

It's not just how you say it but when ...

Recently a woman wrote to me about her boyfriend. She said he was sweet, loving, thoughtful, the perfect guy for her in every way. He brought her flowers, called her a couple of times a day, rubbed her back when they watched movies, and brought her alphabet soup and Meg Ryan flicks when she had the flu.

In fact, not even a night spent on the bathroom floor or a week in the same ratty flannel pajamas seemed to put him off in the least. She felt adored, cherished and cared for. There was just one tiny little thing: After a year of dating, he had never told her he loved her.

Do actions speak louder than words? We'd all like to have the fully-loaded love package complete with fabulous sex, total trust, compatible taste in restaurants and movies, and a deep spiritual connection. In an either/or situation, most people would rather be with someone who shows them love every day with gestures of kindness and affection than with a person who says 'I love you, baby' at every juncture and then puts the moves on their best friend the minute they're out of earshot.

How important are those three little words? April Masini, better known as "The New Millennium's Dear Abby" says: "The first thing that mothers and fathers say to their babies, usually at birth, is 'I love you.' For the next year those are probably the most repeated words that any baby hears. It's no wonder that these imprinted words offer the promise of soothing, unconditional love and comfort to adults."

Some research suggests that men know whether or not they're going to fall in love with someone fairly quickly — usually after about three dates, while women take a bit longer, reserving judgment until the 14th date. Hardly anyone expects to hear the three magic words after just a few weeks, but generally, by the two-month mark, at least one partner has begun to think about the 'L' word, and by six months, both partners have likely given the matter some thought. (Which could explain why most breakups occur at the three-to-five month mark: 'Um, I've been thinking about whether or not I love you, and I don't.')

This seems to be just about the time when the couple starts feeling a little pressure to either say it (usually men) or hear it (usually women.) By the one-year mark, nearly everybody feels under the love gun, and even if all other areas of the relationship are going well, the mere absence of those three little words can gnaw away at a relationship like some sort of romance-eating bacteria.

And if it only takes a few weeks or months before you feel it, why does it sometimes take forever to say it? According to Dr. Erik Fisher and Steve Sharp, authors of The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict, "The reason people withhold is to not appear weak. Men are more commonly socialised to view love as a weakness or a trap. So they may act flippantly or sarcastically when they really love someone instead of risking the appearance of weakness."

The authors also say, "If someone says they love us, we may believe that we owe them something in return." Or, 'if I share these words with someone, I may feel that I now owe them a commitment.'

So maybe it hits you on the seventh date that you have, indeed, fallen in love, and you decide to take the plunge and share your feelings.

According to Masini, "Once the words are spoken, the speaker is going to be waiting to see if the silent one will say it back. This will go on until it's said — or the anxiety and discomfort between you gets so focused on whether the one who says it has too many expectations or the one who doesn't say it isn't truly committed."

And, whether it was in the third grade under the disco ball at the Rollerama or just last week, most of us have experienced that oh-so-horrifying moment when we finally gather up the nerve and tell someone we love them, only to hear the response, ' ... Uh, thanks.'

Other than the obvious, 'I love you too,' Masini says there are a number of appropriate responses if you're not quite sure what to do:

1. Say nothing and smile, appreciatively.

2. Say, 'I wasn't expecting that, but I'm delighted. I hope you can give me a little time to sort my own feelings out as clearly as you have.'

3. Say, 'I don't know if I feel the same way.'

If you're the one who offers up your heart (and those three little words) and your one-and-only is still not saying he/she loves you back three-to-six months after you first say it, Masini suggests, 'you take your love elsewhere.'

Only you can decide if saying 'I love you' is the most important aspect of your relationship, the least important, or somewhere in between. And while there are commonalities regarding what many people believe about how a relationship should progress, the truth is, every couple is different.

Barbara Wright Abernathy, author of Venus on Top offers this final bit of wisdom: "My husband says 'I love you' nearly every day, but the three little words that really turn me on are when he says, 'Honey, you're right.'"

Relationship tips from boomers

What's the secret of lasting love? Who better to ask than those who have clocked up rock solid relationships of their own lasting 20, 30, 40 years or more? Mid-life couples speak on the secrets of eternal love.

Living — and loving — in a time before our free-wheeling ways of Internet dating, co-habiting and try-before-you-buy sexuality, mature daters had a very different set of criteria when it came to choosing a mate. In their day, courtship, relationships and marriage were serious business; many a sexagenarian will roll their eyes in disbelief at the Hollywood trend for quickie weddings — and even quicker divorces.

There's a lot to be learned about successful relationships from those who have been together for longer than most of us have been alive!

A united front

Sharing values and goals are important qualities identified by those in enduring relationships. John and Margot have been happily married for 27 years and believe that a similar upbringing — both from large families who grew up in neighbouring country towns — helps cement their partnership. "This really becomes noticeable when you start a family of your own," says Margot.

"If you have similar ideas about things like raising kids, you're less likely to argue about parenting and family matters," she says. "And when you're dealing with your children — particularly teenagers — it's important to back each other up," says John.

For better or worse?

A mature outlook that includes accepting the natural highs and lows in a relationship, is essential to making your love last. "Understanding that you are not going to be happy with each other all of the time is important," says Ron, who's been married to Sylvia for 39 years. "You shouldn't be miserable, but you should be prepared for the occasional rough patch," he says. "The bad times will pass, and real commitment is knowing that this will happen and hanging in there," says Sylvia.

Friends ... and lovers

Maintaining a healthy dose of intimacy is one of the keys to a long-lasting love affair. Passion waxes and wanes and your love takes on new and exciting dimensions, but it's up to you to make sure the flame is not extinguished entirely. "Ross and I are best friends, we do almost everything together," says Diane, a divorcee who has lived with Ross, also divorced, for 18 years. "We also happen to have a great sex life, something I was never happy with during my marriage," she says. "I treat her like a lady, always," says Ross. "We were made for each other."

Kiss and make up

But sex is only part of the equation. Intimacy also involves companionship, affection, and sharing thoughts and feelings in a meaningful way. The ability to argue constructively is an important skill that many long-lasting couples have developed. "Never go to bed angry or upset with each other," says Irene, who's been married to Ted for 34 years. "I always say if you've had a disagreement, kiss and make up and say 'I love you' before going to bed," she says. "We've been married all these years but I still call Irene 'my bride'. It makes her feel special. That's important, making sure the other knows how much they're appreciated," says Ted.

No one's perfect

Accepting faults and flaws — and seeing them as part of the package — is another practice of those in successful, long-lasting relationships. "Joy would drive me crazy with her talking on the phone," says Brian, her partner of 32 years. "Her sister was living in Perth — she's moved near us now, thank God — and I'd come home from work and she'd be yakking away. The phone bills were astronomical. But I love her. What can you do?" he says.

Time for one another

"My grandson Christopher is 21, and he seems to have a new girlfriend every week. I can't keep up," says Wal who's been married to Shirley for 51 years. Wal reveals he spent several years courting Shirley, who was the sister of a cricketing pal. "We got to know each other over time — and there's not much about each other that we don't know after all these years. Young people don't spend enough time really getting to know one another," he says.

Top relationship tips from

lose your sense of humour; have fun with your partner

- Don't demean or belittle your partner in public or in private
- try to change your partner's little quirks and faults
- Acknowledge when you've made a mistake; admit when you're wrong
- Never go to bed on an argument, and always look for a resolution, not a victory
- Give pleasure, not pain; praise your partner often and criticise rarely
- Learn to listen and learn to hear; never stop learning about one another

Understand that relationships change, but if you have a good foundation and commitment to making things work, your love can last a lifetime.

Why Don't Men Talk Like Women Do?

By David Zinczenko

From his book, "Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women"

Here's a great irony: Men, in general, are happy in their relationships. And yet women -- the very people responsible for making guys so happy -- spend a great deal of time fretting over whether their men want to stay in the relationship or are waiting to catch the next bus out of it. Indeed, women spend so much time fretting that they often ask men to talk more about ... gasp! ... their feelings. And the one thing that can make a contented guy discontented is being asked to talk about his feelings. It's like cooking up a great souffle, and then opening the oven to check on it -- and presto, the souffle goes flat.

It's not that you should never ask a man about his feelings. But it's all about technique: you need to coax him to that place where he can share; pushing him just makes him stubborn.

Don't use the f-word
The problem for a lot of guys is that talking feelings with a woman is like talking French with a native Parisian. No matter how hard we study, we'll never master the language with quite the same fluency. So you need to make things a little simpler for us.

From our end, we'd prefer that you don't directly ask about the "f-word" -- feelings.
Say the word feelings to a man and it's like clipping your toenails during a striptease -- total turn-off. The reason? We have feelings, but we don't have the access to them that you do. So every conversation that's pointedly about our feelings seems to us like the last 15 minutes of "Law & Order," where we're the perp and you're the clever detective, poking a finger in our face and hinting that you know just a little more than we do. And you do know a little more than we do. You know how you feel. And we don't know how we feel. So if you want us to talk, then help us speak your language -- by speaking a little of ours

The point: If you want us to answer questions about what we're feeling, then stop asking about how we're feeling. Instead, watch how we behave, and where our interests lie. And be open about your feelings. The more you show comfort in expressing yourself, the more he'll do the same.

How do I know where the relationship is going?

I feel like I've hit a snag in a relationship with my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other for a few months. Everything was really great in the beginning. Now, it seems like we've fallen into that typical relationship routine. We see each other during the week, rent a movie on Fridays, and usually have sex twice a week (once after the movie). He's nice to me and treats me well, but I'd like to get things back to where they were. He tells me everything's fine, assures me he cares about me, and tells me not to worry about it. But I still do because what he says is one thing but what happens week to week is another. Any idea what he's thinking?

Yeah. He's thinking exactly what he's saying, which is that everything's fine. "
Women think that not talking about the relationship means there are problems, but it's the opposite for men. If we're not talking about it, it means we're happy," says Conner, 32. So the real question is not "What's he thinking?" It's "What are you thinking?" If you're content with the relationship you've got, then relax and enjoy it. And if you want more, say so. "If a man loves a woman, he'll prove it with daily action not just words," says Jimmy, 27. Either he'll step up to the plate, or what he's giving now is all he's got -- and maybe you need to move on.

Why don't guys answer emotional questions?
I've got a good friend who recently left her husband. They have one child who's eight, and my friend and her ex are now in this bitter disagreement about custody, about money, about who gets to see the daughter when. When I told my husband about it, I asked him how he felt about it, because these are really serious issues, and I figured he'd have really serious thoughts on them. Instead, he just sat there, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "That sucks." Does the man have no feelings?

Of course he has feelings, and he told you what they were: He feels the situation sucks. Oh, but wait ... you were looking for something more. Here's the problem: You wanted him to tune into your concerns, but the signal you were sending was fuzzier than a pirate radio station. It's the old "feelings" conundrum again. If you want to ask him how he'd handle a custody issue, then ask him how he'd handle a custody issue. If you want to know if he thinks it's wrong for one partner to give up on a marriage, then ask him about that. But don't ask him about his feelings and expect him to surmise that your telling him a story about the neighbors is some Aesop's fable for your relationship. "We're simple. Please, no hints or assumptions," says D.J., 26. "Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't make us guess as if we know what you are trying to say or feel."

D.J.'s a bit of a wishful thinker. Just as men like direct, problem A/solution B equations, women seem to take a more poetic and metaphorical approach to communication. That's why communication between the sexes is so much work. To men, dealing with hypotheticals is fun when we're talking about pennant races and the stock market, not when you're asking us to project how we'd feel about anything really serious, like a breakup or infidelity or pizza toppings. In that case, direct questions will get you the answers you want: let's stay together, I'll be faithful forever, and no anchovies, please.

Why can't a guy just plan out our future?
My husband and I have two kids, a boy and a girl, ages three and six. I'm tired of taking the pill, so I've tried talking to my husband about other options. Specifically, I asked him if he wanted more kids. (I could go either way.) And if he didn't, then we should talk about a vasectomy. But he can't decide whether he wants more children, and he doesn't seem too thrilled with the idea of getting the vasectomy. Why doesn't he just tell me what he wants so then we can come up with some kind of game plan?

Your question contains this interesting phrase: "I could go either way." It sounds like you and your husband are both comfortable in a pair of flip-flops. In our polls and surveys, we've asked men about the vasectomy issue. John, 41, has been talking about a vasectomy with his wife, but they're having trouble getting at the root of who really wants to do what. "Neither of us will come right out and say we're done having kids. She thinks me not signing right up for the operation somehow means that I have this evil master plan: that if I dump her, I'll be able to have kids with some 22-year-old bimbo. But I just don't want to get one, because neither of us have closed the door on having kids, and if she's up for it, I'm up for it."

The fact is that men hate admitting that they don't have a plan, and with complex issues like this, it's hard for a guy to decide, unilaterally, the rest of both your lives. He's going to flip and flop like a beached sea bass until he knows for certain. And then, one day, he's just going to announce his decision.I know, it's hard living with us. Just don't try living without us.

whaMasculinity mastered: What you now know about men
- "Feelings" is our f-word. Bleep it out of your conversational repertoire. Try pointed questions like "What do you think about...."
- We feel everything's okay when we're not talking about feelings. When we're talking about feelings, we feel everything's on the rocks.
- Backed into a corner, we won't let you into our heads. Give us some space and we'll let you in.

Say this tonight!
- The sexiest thing a woman ever said to Dale, 32: "What would you like for breakfast?"
- The sexiest thing Tricia, 28, ever said to a man: "I wish I could have you."

Say this, not that!

Say this: "What do you think about that?"
Not: "How do you feel about that?"
Because: He knows how to answer the first question, but the second one makes him nervous.

Say this: "I wish I could say this in a way that makes more sense to you."
Not: "You don't understand me."
Because: Miscommunication is a two-way street.

Say this: "Let's go for a drive."
Not: "Let's sit down and talk."
Because: Men are less tense when they're doing something physical.

Say anything: Once
Not: Ten times
Because: To a guy, repetition makes a statement meaningless.

What it means when....
He says, "I love you" for the first time (not during sex).
He does. And he thought it long before he ever said it.

He says, "Fine," in response to a question about how his day was.
Fine. If something significant happened, he'll tell you -- in a few hours.

He says, "Five," when you ask him how many women he's slept with.
Twelve.

Wondering woman
Why is it so hard for guys to write a personal message in a birthday card? Every year all I get is "Love, Jim."Â Five minutes on the way back from the drugstore doesn't give a whole lot of time to come up with something clever. Plus, he'd rather let a nice dinner and a show do the talking for him.

Male mysteries
27: Percentage of men who say they primarily fight with their wives or girlfriends about the fact that they don't share or talk about their feelings.
65: Percentage of men who don't want their partners to ask more questions about them.

5 instant seduction tips

Little tricks to turn him on in an instant..

1. Bite your lower lip

This will remind him of your expression during sex, when you're concentrating so hard on different sensations that you don't notice you're doing it.

2. Slow down

Slowing down all your movements means he'll spend much longer looking at you. So, for example, if you are putting on stockings, pull them up really slowly, allowing his eyes to follow the movement. This means he will gaze at you longer than normal.

3. Play with your hair

Men love it when women twist and fiddle with their lock - anthropologists believe it's because it's an old mating ritual from the animal kingdom - so push you hair from your face or run your fingers through it.

4. Stretch

Men are drawn to curves - especially the curve of your back, as it elongates your body. So stretch those arms up and arch your back.

5. Smiling

Research shows men are naturally more attracted to smiling women. It might sound basic, but if you want to turn him on, smile lots and look him in the eye - it's immediate psychological foreplay.

Dating Smarts You Must Have

Article from Cosmopolitan

There's so much potential for disaster, they should call it playing the "mine"-field. That's why this first-date guide is key for all Cosmo girls.

By Laura Gilbert

- First rule: Chemistry trumps all. Even if he talked too much about his hybrid car or had T-bone steak in his teeth the whole time, if his kiss made you melt, he gets a second date.

- On the flip side, we don't care if he's the hottest, richest, funniest, Orlando Bloomiest man ever. If smooching him gives you the creeps, cut your losses.

- After you finally hook up with a guy you found online in a coffee joint, it's fine to tell your friends "We met at a coffee joint." It's not even a lie (sort of)!

- You get to be superficial. If he's wearing a fanny pack or showing off butt cleavage, feign an emergency and bail. (Hint: Say "It's a woman thing." He won't ask for details.)

- A Cosmo girl doesn't go out with her ex-boyfriend's work rival just so it'll get back to him and make him crazy. She does go out with his work rival though if she had a crush on him anyway.

- A man who makes every conversation sexual from the get-go isn't trying to seduce you, he's trying to shock you. Don't take the bait. Your job isn't to prove to him that you can be one of the guys; it's his job to be a gentleman.

- Any time a friend offers to set you up, make sure to ask her what she thinks you have in common with the guy -- besides that you're both single.

- Heads up: If he spends even part of the evening responding to work emails on his crackberry, he probably wouldn't make the most attentive boyfriend.

- Then again, if you spend even part of the evening on emails, don't expect him to call for a second date.

- Beware the boor who asks questions just so that he can give answers. Him: "What's the coolest place you've ever traveled to?" You: "Oh, probably Mex--" Him: "My favorites are Africa, London, Iceland, Costa Rica...."

- Lots of people are between jobs, but a guy who cites The Man as his reason for it may be in arrested development.

- If the next day you can't remember anything interesting or clever he said and you guys weren't drinking, you're probably not that into him.

- Maybe he's just being polite, but when a guy offers you a breath mint, always take it, just in case.

- Dating is supposed to be fun, not a chore. If you find yourself daydreaming middate about watching Law and Order reruns at home, give yourself a break.

- If you've had a good time, compliment his planning ("I loved playing air hockey!"). It subtly invites him to call for date two and gives him a chance to ask right then, if he's bold.

- Don't stress that first-kiss moment. Smile, say good-bye, and squeeze his hand, letting your fingers linger. He'll either make a move or he won't, and you'll get an awkwardness-free exit.

- Another sexy way to make him ache for date two? Casually comment on his good-night kiss, like "Mmm, you're good at that." He won't stop wondering what other talents of his you'll like.

The Trick to Meeting Guys

Finding a date-worthy man is tough, but you could be making it harder on yourself. Here, five common goofs.

By Jennifer Benjamin

You're hot, you're fun, you have a cool job and a big circle of friends -- in other words, you're the whole package. Then why the hell can't you meet a guy? "Often, women subconsciously give off 'keep away' signals," says psychotherapist Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. Well, we've pinpointed some of the mistakes you might be making and found ways for you to remedy the situation ASAP.

You hang with a big group of girls.

When going on a manhunt, you may feel better bringing backup. Problem is, surrounding yourself with a posse makes you unapproachable. "It's intimidating for a guy," says Findling. "He's afraid of being rejected in front of an audience." To make yourself available, go out with just one wingwoman or separate from the crew and work the room solo.

You Always Hit the Same Places
How many times have you found yourself saying, "Ugh, there are no cute guys here"? And yet, the following week, you're back at the same bar, with the same people, saying the same thing. "Well, if you want to find a great catch, you should venture outside of your comfort zone," says New York City psychologist and life coach Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. The next time a pal invites you to a film class or suggests you hit karaoke night at some dive, give it a shot.

You Give Some Guys the Cold Shoulder
When you're eyeing a sexy stud and some so-so dude starts chatting you up, you're probably tempted to blow him off. But that could backfire. "If the object of your affection sees you acting rude, he'll move on to a girl who isn't as bitchy," warns Findling. Not only that, but the B-list boy could actually turn out to be cool. So unless he acts like a sleaze, give the guy a break and talk to him. If he still leaves you cold, politely excuse yourself and move on.

You Refuse to Be Set Up
You whine about how hard it is to meet a man, yet you veto any friend who tries to hook you up and you won't even try online dating. "You need to open yourself up to any opportunity," says Bennett. "Spread the word that you want to be set up." And at least log on to a dating site and see who's out there. If you click with a guy, great; if not, you don't even have to endure a bad blind date.

You're Too Intent
It's fine that you want to meet someone, but you don't want to be so obvious about it. "Men can sense desperation," warns psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of Calling in "The One." "Most guys will steer clear of a girl they think is dying for a boyfriend." In addition, being on a man-finding mission can make you self-conscious. "You become so fixated on how you look and act that you can't enjoy yourself," says Findling. The goal should be to have fun, not meet guys. The irony: Your laid-back vibe will attract men anyway.

6 Ways to Simplify Your Life

An article from Cosmopolitan

Ditch excess mental and physical clutter to make more room for the fabulous things in life—right now.

Like many Cosmo chicks, your life is crazy busy. But having a million things crowding your mind, desktop, and apartment can make you feel overwhelmed. The following tips, derived from frequent Cosmo contributor Nicole Beland’s book, Girl Seeks Bliss: Zen and the Art of Modern Life Maintenance, will help you kick all that baggage to the curb so you can feel totally in control.

Adopt a “Relax” Mantra
Sometimes obsessing can be fun—like about last night’s date. But it’s not so hot when your brain homes in on a nasty thought (He isn’t going to call; I’ll never make that deadline) and refuses to let go. Make it stop with an easy mantra like “Que será, será” (i.e., “Whatever will be, will be”). Repeat it a few times—it’ll snap you into the present.

Empty Your In-Box
Between the e-mails you need to save (messages from your boss, e-ticket receipts) and ones you want to save (JPEGS from parties), your in-box is overflowing. So start sorting. Make a folder for every category of e-mail you receive (plus one labeled “911!” for high-priority items) and file or trash messages promptly after reading them. Also, stop logging on every five minutes; three to five times a day is enough.

Get Rid of a Grudge
You have every right to still be livid at the guy who screwed you over, but is all that anger doing him any harm? Unfortunately not. So you might as well stop seething. Next time he pops into your head, make a mental list of all the good qualities he was completely lacking. Then write the characteristics of your ideal mate on paper. Remind yourself that you wouldn’t be able to recognize your ultimate guy if it weren’t for having met a jerk like him.

Create Breathing Space
Too much visual clutter in your home is stifling. Stand in each doorway of your pad and see if there’s a clear path to all major elements in the room (bed, couch, stove, etc.). If not, rearrange furniture until you can get to everything without stepping over stuff. Next, clear off a big surface like a table or desk of all but a few key items. Tip: recycle newspapers, mags, and info that you can easily store electronically or find again online, (i.e., phonebooks and dictionaries).

Lighten Your Load
It’s silly to jam-pack your purse or gym tote with brushes, moisturizers, hand wipes, bandages, a sewing kit, and other supplies for faux emergencies. Reality check: You are not lost in the desert. Convince yourself of how little you need by leaving the house with just your keys, ATM card, and driver’s license and seeing how easily you survive.

Free Up Your Night
Feel obligated to be constantly doing something or going somewhere? Dedicate one night a week to being a total recluse. Soak in the tub and read a steamy novel, watch your favorite flicks, or just fantasize about your next vacay.

Guys Uncensored: The Dirty Truth About Dumping You

An article from Cosmopolitan

Cosmo got men to spill about what the %@#! they're thinking when they kick you to the curb. Plus, how a guy copes when he's the dumpee.

Just like when you're watching a slasher flick, there's a point in a relationship when you can sense that something bad is about to go down. Only it's a lot harder to predict a guy's behavior than it is a screen serial killer's -- especially when it comes to breakups. Which is why Cosmo spoke to a bunch of Jasons, Freddies, and other regular guys for the real deal on what's running through their heads when they sever ties. We also got the straight-up facts on how men react when you do the dumping -- and the heinous, pathetic ways they try to move on...

Guys' Ugly Bag of Breakup Tricks

"When I'm over a girl, I try to annoy her into dumping me. I'll rag on her favorite TV show or her friends. Or I'll pull away from sex and say my workload is stacking up. Eventually, she'll lower the boom. That way I don't have to feel bad about hurting her feelings."--Sam, 24, database consultant

"If my exact reason for breaking up is bad -- say, because she's not as good-looking as I'd like her to be -- I'll say, 'The spark's just not there.' I'd feel too guilty if something I said made her go out and get a nose job or lipo."--Wesley, 30, Web designer

"I always break up over e-mail, so I don't get yelled at. Who wants to look into someone's about-to-fall-apart face and tell them that they're no good for you anymore? E-mail is much better. You still feel like a jerk, but it passes quickly."--Geoffrey, 23, reporter

"I once told a girl that she reminded me too much of my sister and that's why we had to break up. The truth was, I wasn't all that into her." --Chad, 27, teacher

"I was dating a girl I really liked, but I was drunk -- and alone -- at a party. I wanted to fool around with this other girl so badly, but she wouldn't touch me until I called my girlfriend to break up. So at 2 a.m., I picked up the phone in this girl's bedroom, called my girlfriend, said, 'I'm sorry we can't see each other anymore bye' and hung up." --Roger, 27, social worker

How He Really Feels After Calling It Quits

"After I break up with a girl, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. Before you break up, you're agonizing because you're not sure if it's the right decision. That stage can be harder than the actual breaking-up part."--Shane, 35, photographer

"Frankly, if I dump a girl, it's because I have someone else waiting in the wings. So I'm a happy guy."--Geoffrey

"I act like a typical male idiot and celebrate my freedom by partying. Basically, I feel like a new person after the breakup because I'm free of this ball-and-chain. But when the two-month emotional delay kicks in, the newness of being single wears off. I usually feel worse then." --Dave, 28, office manager

When He's the One Who Got the Ax

"After my girlfriend of two years dumped me, my friends flew me to Vegas. Never go to a strip club after you've been dumped. It depresses you and makes you miss your sweet girl."--Shane

"I usually write my ex a tell-off letter and point out everything I couldn't stand about her, and sometimes I actually mail it." --Geoffrey

"I go out and have sex with any decent girl who hits on me. You have to reaffirm that you've still got it." --Corey, 26, musician

"I obsess. Was it my breath? My belly? My miniature paycheck? Getting dumped turns even a confident man into George Costanza."--Jason, 29, architect

Trash Talk: Will He or Won't He?

"Trash-talking a girl is necessary sometimes. One night, I made a girl I'd been dating her favorite dinner and served it with wine and candlelight, but she dissed me after we had sex. So I told all my friends she had bad skin and was a terrible dancer, which explained her total lack of moves in bed."--Nick, 30, contractor

"I'm not afraid to talk trash, but I'm usually more into figuring out what the hell happened. I broke up with the last girl I lived with because I found a bill for $14,000 that she had racked up on her own charge card and was afraid to tell me about. If she's afraid to tell me about that, what other irresponsible things has she done and hidden from me? So I analyzed it with my friends to make sure I wasn't crazy." --Jason, 31, architect

"I dated a girl once who turned out to be a stripper with two kids. She told me she was a telemarketer. I found out the truth from her friend. It was so stupefying and weird. A stripper? With kids? How could I not share that whopper with my friends?"--Corey "After the breakup, I usually talk about how great she was in bed -- in deep detail. At that point, it's fair game to kiss and tell."--Seth, 32, copywriter

The Post-Dump Hump

"I often wind up having sex with my exes. It's always better than the sex you had when you were together because you don't have the relationship baggage anymore."--Ontario, 26, bartender

"Sexual nostalgia can suck you in, especially after a few beers. I remember an ex coming over because she was upset and had just broken up with some guy. We hadn't spoken for eight months, and we wound up ripping each other's clothes off. After we did it, she sobbed. I thought she was sad over me, so I tried to console her. But she said she was crying over the guy she just left!" --Geoffrey

"If it's not good enough to hang out with the girl anymore, it's not good to keep having sex with her."--Roger

"Years after we broke up, an ex called me up at 5 p.m. on the dot and said, 'I'm standing in a sex shop. What should I get?' Her call definitely set the stage for major reunion sex."--Shane

When He Gets Loco After You Leave

"I took a bunch of her bras with me, put them on my charcoal grill at home, doused them with lighter fluid, and just let them go up in flames."--Wesley

"I gave her back everything she ever gave me -- poetry, a sweater -- which was really stupid because she just threw it all back in my face and shrieked, 'Well, I don't want it!'"--Seth

"I was stuck in this rut of calling and hanging up on my ex every few days. The shit hit the fan when I called up drunk at 4 a.m. and left four messages in a row on her machine. Finally, I stopped." --Sean, 25, chef

"I knew my ex was living with a new guy, and one night at 2 a.m., I decided to confront them. They lived in a second-floor rear-balcony apartment, so I climbed a tree and started knocking on their sliding-glass doors. I woke up their roommate; he was shocked to see me standing on his balcony, but he let me in. Then it hit me: I was a complete ass. They told me they wouldn't press charges if I just left." --Roger

"I slashed the tires, keyed the doors, and dented the hood of her new boyfriend's car. He never fought back because he thought I was psycho." --Corey

Who Does He Date Next -- and How Soon?

"A few weeks after we broke up, I went after the girl who I thought would annoy her most: her pretty sorority sister, whom she hated." --Ontario

"I prefer dating European women, especially after an American. Following a debilitating relationship, this German chick I went out with was so much more realistic. She didn't expect me to be Ben Affleck and have a constant romance going. Sometimes it's Monday and I don't feel romantic. Sometimes you fart and that's not romantic." --Dave

"I guess my immediate choice is for the opposite kind of girl. If my ex was wild, I want a librarian. If she was chunky, I want Ally McBeal. Then it really feels like a whole new relationship."--Nick

"The only girls I want after a breakup are centerfolds in porn magazines. I'm usually so fed up with girls at that point that I become pretty antisocial."--Roger

"I quickly get involved with a girl who's just broken up with someone too; that way we're both in transition. Maybe she's not all that, maybe she loves boy bands, maybe she snorts when she laughs. That's the rebound: You date someone who is reasonably attractive who allows you to have sex with them. Period."--Sean

Who Breaks More Hearts?

Even though 51 percent of women say they instigated their most recent breakup, only 32 percent of men admit they've been dumped. Hmm. And while 38 percent of guys dub their most recent split "mutually agreed upon," only 28 percent of women report the same.--Source: American Demographics survey

11 "Don't-Tell-the-Wife" Secrets All Men Keep

WebMD Feature from "Redbook" Magazine
By Ty Wenger

There comes a time in every man's life when he discovers the value of hiding the grosser parts of his nature. He starts reciting the sweet nothings you long to hear: "No, honey, I play golf for the exercise." "No, honey, I think you're a great driver." "No, honey, I wasn't looking at that coed washing the car in the rain."
We're not lying, exactly. We're just making things...easier. But Glenn Good, Ph.D., a relationship counselor, disagrees, and maybe he has a point. "These white lies are pretty innocent, but they can turn confusing," he says. "Many women think, If he's lying about himself, is he also lying about something else? Is he having an affair? To establish trust you have to tell the truth about the innocuous stuff."
And so, in the interest of uniting the sexes, we've scoured the country for guys willing to share the private truths they wouldn't normally confess. Some are a bit crass. Some you've always suspected. Some are surprisingly sweet. (Guys don't like to reveal the mushy stuff, either.) But read on, and you may discover that the truth about men isn't all that ugly.

Secret #1:
Yes, we fall in lust 10 times a day -- but it doesn't mean we want to leave you
If the oldest question in history is "What's for dinner?" the second oldest is "Were you looking at her?" The answer: Yes -- yes, we were. If you're sure your man doesn't look, it only means he possesses acute peripheral vision.
"When a woman walks by, even if I'm with my girlfriend, my vision picks it up," says Doug LaFlamme, 28, of Laguna Hills, California. "I fight the urge to look, but I just have to. I'm really in trouble if the woman walking by has a low-cut top on."
Granted, we men are well aware that our sizing up the produce doesn't sit well with you, given that we've already gone through the checkout line together. But our passing glances pose no threat.
"It's not that I want to make a move on her," says LaFlamme. "Looking at other women is like a radar that just won't turn off."

Secret #2:
We actually do play golf to get away from you
More than 21 million American men play at least one round of golf a year; of those, an astounding 75 percent regularly shoot worse than 90 strokes a round. In other words, they stink. The point is this: "Going golfing" is not really about golf. It's about you, the house, the kids -- and the absence thereof.
"I certainly don't play because I find it relaxing and enjoyable," admits Roland Buckingham, 32, of Lewes, Delaware, whose usual golf score of 105 is a far-from-soothing figure. "As a matter of fact, sometimes by the fourth hole I wish I were back at the house with the kids screaming. But any time I leave the house and don't invite my wife or kids -- whether it's for golf or bowling or picking up roadkill -- I'm just getting away."

Secret #3:
We're unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after we've made one to you
This is a dicey one, so first things first: We love you to death. We think you're fantastic. Most of the time we're absolutely thrilled that we've made a lifelong vow of fidelity to you in front of our families, our friends and an expensive videographer.
But most of us didn't spend our formative years thinking, "Gosh, I just can't wait to settle down with a nice girl so we can grow old together." Instead we were obsessed with how many women who resembled Britney Spears we could have sex with before we turned 30. Generally it takes us a few years (or decades) to fully perish that thought.

Secret #4:
Earning money makes us feel important
In more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband -- almost double the number in 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Right?
Yeah, well, that's what we tell you. But we're shallow, competitive egomaniacs. You don't think it gets under our skin if our woman's bringing home more bacon than we are -- and frying it up in a pan?
"My wife and I are both reporters at the same newspaper," says Jeffrey Newton, 33, of Fayetteville, South Carolina. "Five years into our marriage I still check her pay stub to see how much more an hour I make than she does. And because she works harder, she keeps closing the gap."

Secret #5:
Though we often protest, we actually enjoy fixing things around the house
I risk being shunned at the local bar if this magazine finds its way there, because few charades are as beloved by guys as this one. To hear us talk, the Bataan Death March beats grouting that bathroom shower. And, as 30-year-old Ed Powers of Chicago admits, it's a shameless lie. "In truth, it's rewarding to tinker with and fix something that, without us, would remain broken forever," he says. Plus we get to use tools.
"The reason we don't share this information," Powers adds, "is that most women don't differentiate between taking out the trash and fixing that broken hinge; to them, both are tasks we need to get done over the weekend, preferably during the Bears game. But we want the use-your-hands, think-about-the-steps-in-the-process, home-repair opportunity, not the repetitive, no-possibility-of-a-compliment, mind-dulling, purely physical task." There. Secret's out.

Secret #6:
We like it when you mother us, but we're terrified that you'll become your mother
With apologies to Sigmund Freud, Gloria Steinem -- and my mother-in-law.

Secret #7:
Every year we love you more
Sure, we look like adults. We own a few suits. We can probably order wine without giggling. But although we resemble our father when he was our age, we still feel like that 4-year-old clutching his pant leg.
With that much room left on our emotional-growth charts, we sense we've only begun to admire you in the ways we will when we're 40, 50 and -- God forbid -- 60. We can't explain this to you, because it would probably come out sounding like we don't love you now.
"It took at least a year before I really started to appreciate my wife for something other than just great sex; and I didn't discover her mind fully until the third year we were married," says Newton. "But the older and wiser I get, the more I love my wife." Adds J.P. Neal, 32, of Potomac, Maryland: "The for-richer-or-poorer, for-better-or-worse aspects of marriage don't hit you right away. It's only during those rare times when we take stock of our life that it starts to sink in."

Secret #8:
We don't really understand what you're talking about
You know how, during the day, you sometimes think about certain deep, complex "issues" in your relationship? Then when you get home, you want to "discuss" these issues? And during these "discussions," your man sits there nodding and saying things like "Sure, I understand," "That makes perfect sense" and "I'll do better next time"?
Well, we don't understand. It doesn't make any sense to us at all. And although we'd like to do better next time, we could only do so if, in fact, we had an idea of what you're talking about.
We do care. Just be aware that the part of our brain that processes this stuff is where we store sports trivia.

Secret #9:
We are terrified when you drive
Want to know how to reduce your big, tough guy to a quivering mass of fear? Ask him for the car keys.
"I am scared to death when she drives," says LaFlamme.
"Every time I ride with her, I fully accept that I may die at any moment," says Buckingham.
"My wife has about one 'car panic' story a week -- and it's never her fault. All these horrible things just keep happening -- it must be her bad luck," says Andy Beshuk, 31, of Jefferson City, Missouri.
Even if your man is too diplomatic to tell you, he is terrified that you will turn him into a crash-test dummy.

Secret #10:
We'll always wish we were 25 again
Granted, when I was 25 I was working 16-hour days and eating shrimp-flavored Ramen noodles six times a week. But as much as we love being with you now, we will always look back fondly on the malnourished freedom of our misguided youth. "Springsteen concerts, the '91 Mets, the Clinton presidency -- most guys reminisce about the days when life was good, easy and free of responsibility," says Rob Aronson, 41, of Livingston, New Jersey, who's been married for 11 years. "At 25 you can get away with things you just can't get away with at 40."
While it doesn't mean we're leaving you to join a rock band, it does explain why we occasionally come home from Pep Boys with a leather steering-wheel cover and a Born to Run CD.

Secret #11:
Give us an inch and we'll give you a lifetime
I was on a trip to Mexico, standing on a beach, waxing my surfboard and admiring the glistening 10-foot waves, when I decided to marry the woman who is now my wife. Sure, this was three years before I got around to popping the question. But that was when I knew.
Why? Because she'd let me go on vacation alone. Hell, she made me go. This is the most important thing a man never told you: If you let us be dumb guys, if you embrace our stupid poker night, if you encourage us to go surfing -- by ourselves -- our silly little hearts, with their manly warts and all, will embrace you forever for it.

And that's the truth.

5 sex secrets all men have

Read his mind and enjoy the best sex ever
His sex secret #1
He craves being seduced
Read-his-mind tip: Take it in turns. Adopt a dominatrix role by slipping off his trousers and having your wicked way with him.

His sex secret #2
He chooses positions that make his body look good.
Read-his-mind tip: Crouch on all fours, sideways in front of a mirror, so he can see himself entering you from a flattering angle.

His sex secret #3
He exaggerates his sex CV
Read-his-mind tip: In bed, take his hand and show him the speed and pressure you'd like. Use words such as ‘here,' ‘slower,' and ‘harder,' and praise him when he gets it right. Those bed-notch fears will soon disappear.

His sex secret #4
He has sexual fantasies that will shock you
Read-his-mind tip: You don't need to explore your man's fantasies, but you do need to accept he has them. If you can handle it, probe a bit. "Try sharing your own fantasies in order to prompt some reciprocal information," says sex therapist Michael Perry.

His sex secret #5
He wonders if you're having a good time
Read-his-mind tip: Don't pretend to be a porno-style screamer, but if you have an urge to moan during sex, go for it. Hint: the more physically specific you are, such as groaning into the move so your bodies cling closer, the more he'll know you're loving it.

7 signs you’re not in the same relationship

How to tell if your relationship predictions don’t quite match up
1. He's never on time
You've been waiting nearly an hour and he hasn't turned up. When he does, he acts as if he's only five minutes late, not 50, and there's no attempt to explain his tardiness (again). If you're important to him, he'll be on time - or have a good excuse.

2.You're the butt of his jokes
If you're out with friends and you're the butt of all his jokes, it's because he's willing to risk publicly humiliating you. You shouldn't ever have to take this. Loudly point out that if he weren't so lacking in the trouser department, he wouldn't feel the need to pick on you.

3. It's you or the footie (and the footie always wins)
You need a lift/chat/foot-rub but there's a match on. Not a cup final or relegation match, just the usual 22 boys kicking around a bag of air. Do you get your lift/chat/foot-rub? No. When he can't make you a priority, alarm bells, not church bells, should be ringing.

4. Nothing worries him
You, on the other hand, never stop worrying. But he doesn't seem to be aware that you're troubled, even with what's practically a neon sign on your forehead reading, ‘I'm worried. Comfort me.' And even then he's not bothered. "When I'm committed to the relationship, her concerns are mine," says Julian, 32, an advertising planner from Kent. "If she won't share them, you can still see something's up. That insight vanishes if I'm not into her."

5. Rebel without a cause
Although he works nine-to-five, has a company pension and a Ford Mondeo, he's still trapped inside his teen-rebellion stage. The very idea of commitment and making the effort it entails is anathema to this free spirit. Give up. You're wasting your time. And, although he's never said so, he probably thinks you're wasting his.

6. He goes quiet. Deaf-ly quiet
You've shown him the parish chapel and asked ‘hypothetically' who his best man would be. His reaction? Nothing. Any man considering the relationship to be serious would react. Important matters, after all, require serious attention - but not if there isn't anything to consider.

7. You're a stranger to the rest of his life
Why is it you can never put faces to his friends' names? Because he has loads of friends you've never met. A man who's thinking long term tries to integrate his girlfriend into his life. The other possibility is that he doesn't have any friends. In which case you may want to reconsider this one yourself!

The secret tests men set you

The sneaky tests he sets you before he gets serious

Test tactic #1

Suddenly, he's more interested in activities that don't involve the pub, or drinking. Watch out! He's trying to test how you get on together without normal social distractions.Trump tactic Suffer it, smile, then force him into Topshop. See how he copes.

Test tactic #2

He's not sure you're willing to pay your way so has taken to leaving his wallet at home. Hmmm.Trump tactic Prove you can be generous (but hold him to that IOU).

Test tactic #3

Men are by nature, untrustworthy critters. So if you start getting flirty texts from his friend it's most likely a carefully orchestrated plan to test your loyalty. Trump tacticSend out ‘Thanks but, er, no!' texts. But don't tell your boyfriend. Let's see how honest his mate is.

Test tactic #4

Can you give as well as take? He may have been making all the moves up till now, but if he cools off suddenly he's most likely just waiting for you to initiate. Trump tacticGive - you'll receive in spades!

Test tactic #5

An intimate tete a tete has turned into tea with ten mates. Don't panic he just wants to see how well you get on with them.l trump tactic: If it's going to be a group thing, call up the girls. At least 10 of them.

10 Turnoffs That Make Good Guys Wave Goodbye

By Jeff Cohen Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Jun 17, 2007

You're sitting across from a great guy you met on Yahoo! Personals. You can't remember the last time a first date went so well. You're attracted to the guy. He has all the qualities you're looking for in a mate. He would even get your mom's approval.

The date ends and you actually have butterflies. Not only does this guy have second and third date potential, but you can smell a relationship. Unfortunately, a week passes and the cold reality sinks in that this great guy has no intention of ever seeing you again.

Where did you go wrong?

How could you have misunderstood what you thought was great chemistry? Maybe it's time you learned the top 10 turnoffs that make good guys wave goodbye. If any of these fictional female daters sound like you, it's time for a first-date makeover.

1.Misleading Maggie

Her profile says no kids, athletic and raking in the big bucks. The first date reveals two young kids, an extended waistline and unemployment checks. Nothing says trust issues for a guy more than lies from the get-go.

2. Insecure Ilene

She reads into every comment a guy makes. She wants to know right away if date #2 can be tomorrow. She asks you to call the minute you get home. This clingy nature screams of a potential needy girlfriend lacking independence.

3. Third-Degree Donna

The cross-examination begins before the menus arrive. The questions are coming fast and furious, and the guy begins to feel like the defendant on the stand in a criminal trial. If a guy feels stuck under the interrogation lights, he'll run for the hills.

4. Tardy Tina

She arrives late, she no-shows, she changes plans last-minute, she loses his number, she flat-out just doesn't respect a guy's time. Fashionably late is one thing; keeping a guy waiting 30 minutes or no-showing is unacceptable.

5. High-Maintenance Hilda

"Thanks for taking me to this nice restaurant, but couldn't you get a table by the window?"
The feeling that nothing is ever good enough makes a guy quit trying to impress. A simple thank you for a nice dinner is a better way to go.

6. Chatterbox Charlene

The conversation doesn't have to be 50 percent talking and 50 percent listening, but if she does all the talking it feels more like a seminar than a date. Charlene's opposite cousin, Pulling Teeth Patricia, is equally unsettling, making the guy do all the work.

7. Still-Hurting Sally

First dates are notorious for spilling the beans on what went wrong with prior relationships. Sharing an amusing anecdote is good; making it clear you're not over your ex-boyfriend is a definite no-no.

8. Game Player Gina

"Maybe I'll kiss you goodnight, maybe I won't."
Good guys like to know where they stand. They leave the game-playing for the sports field. There's nothing wrong with flirting, but just know when it crosses over into deception and confusion.

9. Conceited Colleen

"Any guy would be lucky to have me." Guess what, the great guy across the table is also a real catch. Stop assuming every guy doesn't deserve you, and then you'll be on your way to actually landing a good one.
Matrimony Maureen: He dips his egg roll in duck sauce when all of a sudden she spills the beans on what they should name their kids. Intense relationships can be exciting for a good guy, but walking down the aisle before you walk each other home for the first time is a turn-off.

10. Matrimony Maureen

He dips his egg roll in duck sauce when all of a sudden she spills the beans on what they should name their kids. Intense relationships can be exciting for a good guy, but walking down the aisle before you walk each other home for the first time is a turn-off.

5 ways to get more adoration now!

He'll be worshipping the ground you walk on

Ten per cent of men never say "I love you" and when they do, it often takes a super-human effort. But little tricks can accelerate his adoration." Emotional therapist, Jane Long explains how.
Arouse his protective side
"Men love to feel they're shielding you from the big bad world, so don't be afraid to drop your guard occasionally and let him look after you, say, if you're ill. It'll make him see you need him, so he'll be happier to admit to his ‘character fault'."

Ration yourself
"If you're like his prettier, stubble-free shadow, he'll start taking you for granted. Don't play daft ‘hard-to-get' games; just limit the time you spend with him, so when he does see you, he's overwhelmed with affection."

It's all in the delivery
"Men respond better if you do it light-heartedly, rather than an intense, gazing-deep-into-his-eyes way. And never ever demand he says it back. The next time you're both acting like big kids, just slip it into conversation, give him a peck and carry on with what you were doing. That way he won't feel under pressure, which men are generally allergic to."

The ‘take it in turns' rule
"If it's usually you who starts the ball rolling, bite your tongue. Make yourself a promise that he has to say it first every other time. If that means you don't hear it for weeks, so be it. He'll subconsciously miss you saying it and will feel the urge."

Drop the hints
"If all these ploys fail, simply say you'd like him to tell you he loves you more - some men just don't get hints! But also remember to notice the little things he does do that express it every day, whether it's making you a coffee while you laze in bed or spending hours trying to fix your damn hair straighteners."

Secret signs he is that into you

The little-known ways you can tell you’ve hooked him

He wants to talk (ALL the time)

Go to turn your mobile off at night and there are three text messages waiting for you. Switch on your PC first thing and there's a novel-length email. The idea is simply to make sure you're occasionally reminded of his existence. Because you're not going to be with him if you don't know he exists.

He touches you

If drunk men make uncontrolled lurches at you, interested sober ones take any opportunity to get in a familiar (but not too familiar) touch: a gentle hand on your shoulder, the offer to help you off with your coat (shame it's just your coat, he's thinking). The truth is, it's just a sly way of copping a feel.

He's concerned about your welfare

It really is his moral duty as an honest straight-talker with your best interests at heart to point out at every opportunity just what a lousy, ugly, unfunny, short, inconsiderate dumb-ass your boyfriend is. The meaning is clear: you deserve better. You deserve me.

He's so in demand

Casual references to casual girlfriends are meant to give you the impression he's not single in the sad sense, only in the sense of not being in a committed relationship. This is a tricky line to tread. He wants you to know he's in demand, but not so much that you think he's unavailable, especially to you.

5 Signs your guy mate fancies you

An article retrieved from Cosmo Girl

In a fluster because you think your guy mate fancies you? Don’t panic, find out for certain with CG!'s 'does he? doesn't he?' guide

1. He helps you with difficult favours
So he's out repaving the driveway with your dad, hauling your books around college and wiring your house for high-speed internet access, all without a hint of complaint? Trust us - this guy wants to be more than a friend! He enjoys your company and doesn't care what he has to do, as long as it means he can be near you.

2. He never tells you it's too late to talk
You could call his mobile at 4am on a Tuesday morning and he'd say, "Yep, I'm up! What's going on?" before patiently listening while you ramble on about your college stress/cash crisis/pesky brother. The truth is, if this guy saw you as just a friend he'd never answer the phone in the middle of the night. In fact, he sees it's you and picks up straight away. Bless!

3. He's super-nice to your friends
Your best mate is deep in the throes of just-been-dumped angst and he's on hand to offer manly advice. Not many guys would spend time counselling stressed females unless they wanted to win points somewhere along the line. By helping your friend he's trying to become part of your everyday world. It's a well thought out strategy: his goal is to get your friends to say, "He's such a great guy - you should go out with him before some other girl snatches him up!" Clever - and sneaky too!

4. He never likes your crushes
This is a sure sign he fancies you. If you happen to mention another guy you have a crush on, be it someone he knows or someone he's never met, he'll almost always say you deserve better. Sweet as his protective attitude might seem, what he really means is, "Er, hello? I'm totally better for you than that guy. Be my girlfriend. Please!"

5. He shows his vulnerable side
If you're hanging out with a guy mate and he starts confessing his heartfelt fears, you can bet he sees you as more than a buddy. By telling you about the painful plight of his sick puppy or talking about the time a tricky maths equation made him cry, he's hoping you'll see him as an emotional being who's worth falling in love with.

If he's shown two or more of these signs he's probably into you. Don't panic if you're not sure how to respond, simply follow CG!'s foolproof tips:

IF YOU'RE NOT HOT FOR HIM
No more flirting, teasing or late-night calls! Instead, act more like a sister and he should get the hint. If he doesn't and he makes a move, apologise for any confusion but insist you want to be just friends. He'll be upset but it's better than stringing him along and possibly losing his friendship.

IF YOU ARE HOT FOR HIM
Ask him what's going on! He's already put in heaps of groundwork but he might be too shy to make the first move. Next time you're alone with him, be brave and ask if he's ever thought about being more than just mates. If he looks shocked and taken aback, tell him you were just teasing and change the subject. But if he smiles and goes red, chances are he's been waiting for this moment for a long time!

5 Common Lies All Women Usually Tell A Men

Big Lie #1: "I'm not mad at you.

"Oh, yes she is. Don't think you're getting off that easily. This lie is one of the most frequently used in relationships. Typically, women who have been hurt by men in their lives -- often inadvertently -- use this phrase as an emotional defense. For example, if a guy forgets his girlfriend's birthday, calls her by his ex's name, or commits any of the other minor screwups that most men do on a daily basis, women usually can't just let it go. They dwell on it, letting worries whittle away normal feelings of well-being like a dog gnaws on a bone.Instead of admitting that she's actually quite hurt by his relatively minor offense, the woman will half-heartedly pretend that she doesn't care at all. In reality, she does care, very much so, but doesn't want to look too anal-retentive or bitchy about it, so she puts up the flimsiest of facades to indicate otherwise.

Big Lie #2: "I don't mind if you go to strip clubs with the boys.

"Wow, you have the coolest girlfriend ever! Not quite. If this one sounds too good to be true, that's because it is. Word to the wise: Virtually all women mind when their men go out to ogle other women without them . It's only a question of how much they mind.This lie is very similar to Lie No. 1, in that it is another fib that only comes up in relationships and is told by women to make themselves seem less pathetically needy. In general, women are extremely wary of their boyfriends being in highly sexually-charged situations without them. Also, they hate to feel second best to a night out with the guys. In this case, she's either fibbing to save face or to test you.For the same reasons, they are also lying when they say they don't mind you checking out other women in front of them.

Big Lie #3: "I'm just not ready for a boyfriend right now.

"Once again, this statement is almost always false, although at least it's told with the best intentions, in order to soften rejection. It might be followed by an additional excuse such as: "I just came out of a bad relationship, and I don't want to be hurt again," or "I'm just too busy with my career right now to have a boyfriend." The truth is, if the woman is single and at all interested in you, she will certainly make the time to date you. It's that simple.

Big Lie #4: "I don't mind picking up the tab tonight.

You always pay anyway."Not true. Although this lie doesn't apply to all women, most still do expect men to pay for things, especially if the man asked them out in the first place. They will secretly think that the guy is cheap if he wriggles out of the bill on a regular basis. Men should always at least offer to pay for dinner if they have asked the woman out. If she protests vigorously , then split the bill in two; if she just protests casually, she's only doing it out of politeness, so pay for it.

Big Lie #5: "You're the best in bed.

"This lie falls under the broad category of sex lies. When women are committed to a man, they focus on him, often believing, time and time again, that he is "the one." Because girls have this tendency, they also tell guys whatever they think they want to hear, just to make them feel good about themselves.Sex lies are a dime a dozen. Other sex untruths women often tell are the following: "I only come with you," "You have the longest penis," "Yes, I came," and "I've only been with X number of guys before." (They will decrease their actual number of sex partners because they're worried you will think they're promiscuous.)