Dating Smarts You Must Have

Article from Cosmopolitan

There's so much potential for disaster, they should call it playing the "mine"-field. That's why this first-date guide is key for all Cosmo girls.

By Laura Gilbert

- First rule: Chemistry trumps all. Even if he talked too much about his hybrid car or had T-bone steak in his teeth the whole time, if his kiss made you melt, he gets a second date.

- On the flip side, we don't care if he's the hottest, richest, funniest, Orlando Bloomiest man ever. If smooching him gives you the creeps, cut your losses.

- After you finally hook up with a guy you found online in a coffee joint, it's fine to tell your friends "We met at a coffee joint." It's not even a lie (sort of)!

- You get to be superficial. If he's wearing a fanny pack or showing off butt cleavage, feign an emergency and bail. (Hint: Say "It's a woman thing." He won't ask for details.)

- A Cosmo girl doesn't go out with her ex-boyfriend's work rival just so it'll get back to him and make him crazy. She does go out with his work rival though if she had a crush on him anyway.

- A man who makes every conversation sexual from the get-go isn't trying to seduce you, he's trying to shock you. Don't take the bait. Your job isn't to prove to him that you can be one of the guys; it's his job to be a gentleman.

- Any time a friend offers to set you up, make sure to ask her what she thinks you have in common with the guy -- besides that you're both single.

- Heads up: If he spends even part of the evening responding to work emails on his crackberry, he probably wouldn't make the most attentive boyfriend.

- Then again, if you spend even part of the evening on emails, don't expect him to call for a second date.

- Beware the boor who asks questions just so that he can give answers. Him: "What's the coolest place you've ever traveled to?" You: "Oh, probably Mex--" Him: "My favorites are Africa, London, Iceland, Costa Rica...."

- Lots of people are between jobs, but a guy who cites The Man as his reason for it may be in arrested development.

- If the next day you can't remember anything interesting or clever he said and you guys weren't drinking, you're probably not that into him.

- Maybe he's just being polite, but when a guy offers you a breath mint, always take it, just in case.

- Dating is supposed to be fun, not a chore. If you find yourself daydreaming middate about watching Law and Order reruns at home, give yourself a break.

- If you've had a good time, compliment his planning ("I loved playing air hockey!"). It subtly invites him to call for date two and gives him a chance to ask right then, if he's bold.

- Don't stress that first-kiss moment. Smile, say good-bye, and squeeze his hand, letting your fingers linger. He'll either make a move or he won't, and you'll get an awkwardness-free exit.

- Another sexy way to make him ache for date two? Casually comment on his good-night kiss, like "Mmm, you're good at that." He won't stop wondering what other talents of his you'll like.

The Trick to Meeting Guys

Finding a date-worthy man is tough, but you could be making it harder on yourself. Here, five common goofs.

By Jennifer Benjamin

You're hot, you're fun, you have a cool job and a big circle of friends -- in other words, you're the whole package. Then why the hell can't you meet a guy? "Often, women subconsciously give off 'keep away' signals," says psychotherapist Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. Well, we've pinpointed some of the mistakes you might be making and found ways for you to remedy the situation ASAP.

You hang with a big group of girls.

When going on a manhunt, you may feel better bringing backup. Problem is, surrounding yourself with a posse makes you unapproachable. "It's intimidating for a guy," says Findling. "He's afraid of being rejected in front of an audience." To make yourself available, go out with just one wingwoman or separate from the crew and work the room solo.

You Always Hit the Same Places
How many times have you found yourself saying, "Ugh, there are no cute guys here"? And yet, the following week, you're back at the same bar, with the same people, saying the same thing. "Well, if you want to find a great catch, you should venture outside of your comfort zone," says New York City psychologist and life coach Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. The next time a pal invites you to a film class or suggests you hit karaoke night at some dive, give it a shot.

You Give Some Guys the Cold Shoulder
When you're eyeing a sexy stud and some so-so dude starts chatting you up, you're probably tempted to blow him off. But that could backfire. "If the object of your affection sees you acting rude, he'll move on to a girl who isn't as bitchy," warns Findling. Not only that, but the B-list boy could actually turn out to be cool. So unless he acts like a sleaze, give the guy a break and talk to him. If he still leaves you cold, politely excuse yourself and move on.

You Refuse to Be Set Up
You whine about how hard it is to meet a man, yet you veto any friend who tries to hook you up and you won't even try online dating. "You need to open yourself up to any opportunity," says Bennett. "Spread the word that you want to be set up." And at least log on to a dating site and see who's out there. If you click with a guy, great; if not, you don't even have to endure a bad blind date.

You're Too Intent
It's fine that you want to meet someone, but you don't want to be so obvious about it. "Men can sense desperation," warns psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of Calling in "The One." "Most guys will steer clear of a girl they think is dying for a boyfriend." In addition, being on a man-finding mission can make you self-conscious. "You become so fixated on how you look and act that you can't enjoy yourself," says Findling. The goal should be to have fun, not meet guys. The irony: Your laid-back vibe will attract men anyway.

6 Ways to Simplify Your Life

An article from Cosmopolitan

Ditch excess mental and physical clutter to make more room for the fabulous things in life—right now.

Like many Cosmo chicks, your life is crazy busy. But having a million things crowding your mind, desktop, and apartment can make you feel overwhelmed. The following tips, derived from frequent Cosmo contributor Nicole Beland’s book, Girl Seeks Bliss: Zen and the Art of Modern Life Maintenance, will help you kick all that baggage to the curb so you can feel totally in control.

Adopt a “Relax” Mantra
Sometimes obsessing can be fun—like about last night’s date. But it’s not so hot when your brain homes in on a nasty thought (He isn’t going to call; I’ll never make that deadline) and refuses to let go. Make it stop with an easy mantra like “Que será, será” (i.e., “Whatever will be, will be”). Repeat it a few times—it’ll snap you into the present.

Empty Your In-Box
Between the e-mails you need to save (messages from your boss, e-ticket receipts) and ones you want to save (JPEGS from parties), your in-box is overflowing. So start sorting. Make a folder for every category of e-mail you receive (plus one labeled “911!” for high-priority items) and file or trash messages promptly after reading them. Also, stop logging on every five minutes; three to five times a day is enough.

Get Rid of a Grudge
You have every right to still be livid at the guy who screwed you over, but is all that anger doing him any harm? Unfortunately not. So you might as well stop seething. Next time he pops into your head, make a mental list of all the good qualities he was completely lacking. Then write the characteristics of your ideal mate on paper. Remind yourself that you wouldn’t be able to recognize your ultimate guy if it weren’t for having met a jerk like him.

Create Breathing Space
Too much visual clutter in your home is stifling. Stand in each doorway of your pad and see if there’s a clear path to all major elements in the room (bed, couch, stove, etc.). If not, rearrange furniture until you can get to everything without stepping over stuff. Next, clear off a big surface like a table or desk of all but a few key items. Tip: recycle newspapers, mags, and info that you can easily store electronically or find again online, (i.e., phonebooks and dictionaries).

Lighten Your Load
It’s silly to jam-pack your purse or gym tote with brushes, moisturizers, hand wipes, bandages, a sewing kit, and other supplies for faux emergencies. Reality check: You are not lost in the desert. Convince yourself of how little you need by leaving the house with just your keys, ATM card, and driver’s license and seeing how easily you survive.

Free Up Your Night
Feel obligated to be constantly doing something or going somewhere? Dedicate one night a week to being a total recluse. Soak in the tub and read a steamy novel, watch your favorite flicks, or just fantasize about your next vacay.

Guys Uncensored: The Dirty Truth About Dumping You

An article from Cosmopolitan

Cosmo got men to spill about what the %@#! they're thinking when they kick you to the curb. Plus, how a guy copes when he's the dumpee.

Just like when you're watching a slasher flick, there's a point in a relationship when you can sense that something bad is about to go down. Only it's a lot harder to predict a guy's behavior than it is a screen serial killer's -- especially when it comes to breakups. Which is why Cosmo spoke to a bunch of Jasons, Freddies, and other regular guys for the real deal on what's running through their heads when they sever ties. We also got the straight-up facts on how men react when you do the dumping -- and the heinous, pathetic ways they try to move on...

Guys' Ugly Bag of Breakup Tricks

"When I'm over a girl, I try to annoy her into dumping me. I'll rag on her favorite TV show or her friends. Or I'll pull away from sex and say my workload is stacking up. Eventually, she'll lower the boom. That way I don't have to feel bad about hurting her feelings."--Sam, 24, database consultant

"If my exact reason for breaking up is bad -- say, because she's not as good-looking as I'd like her to be -- I'll say, 'The spark's just not there.' I'd feel too guilty if something I said made her go out and get a nose job or lipo."--Wesley, 30, Web designer

"I always break up over e-mail, so I don't get yelled at. Who wants to look into someone's about-to-fall-apart face and tell them that they're no good for you anymore? E-mail is much better. You still feel like a jerk, but it passes quickly."--Geoffrey, 23, reporter

"I once told a girl that she reminded me too much of my sister and that's why we had to break up. The truth was, I wasn't all that into her." --Chad, 27, teacher

"I was dating a girl I really liked, but I was drunk -- and alone -- at a party. I wanted to fool around with this other girl so badly, but she wouldn't touch me until I called my girlfriend to break up. So at 2 a.m., I picked up the phone in this girl's bedroom, called my girlfriend, said, 'I'm sorry we can't see each other anymore bye' and hung up." --Roger, 27, social worker

How He Really Feels After Calling It Quits

"After I break up with a girl, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. Before you break up, you're agonizing because you're not sure if it's the right decision. That stage can be harder than the actual breaking-up part."--Shane, 35, photographer

"Frankly, if I dump a girl, it's because I have someone else waiting in the wings. So I'm a happy guy."--Geoffrey

"I act like a typical male idiot and celebrate my freedom by partying. Basically, I feel like a new person after the breakup because I'm free of this ball-and-chain. But when the two-month emotional delay kicks in, the newness of being single wears off. I usually feel worse then." --Dave, 28, office manager

When He's the One Who Got the Ax

"After my girlfriend of two years dumped me, my friends flew me to Vegas. Never go to a strip club after you've been dumped. It depresses you and makes you miss your sweet girl."--Shane

"I usually write my ex a tell-off letter and point out everything I couldn't stand about her, and sometimes I actually mail it." --Geoffrey

"I go out and have sex with any decent girl who hits on me. You have to reaffirm that you've still got it." --Corey, 26, musician

"I obsess. Was it my breath? My belly? My miniature paycheck? Getting dumped turns even a confident man into George Costanza."--Jason, 29, architect

Trash Talk: Will He or Won't He?

"Trash-talking a girl is necessary sometimes. One night, I made a girl I'd been dating her favorite dinner and served it with wine and candlelight, but she dissed me after we had sex. So I told all my friends she had bad skin and was a terrible dancer, which explained her total lack of moves in bed."--Nick, 30, contractor

"I'm not afraid to talk trash, but I'm usually more into figuring out what the hell happened. I broke up with the last girl I lived with because I found a bill for $14,000 that she had racked up on her own charge card and was afraid to tell me about. If she's afraid to tell me about that, what other irresponsible things has she done and hidden from me? So I analyzed it with my friends to make sure I wasn't crazy." --Jason, 31, architect

"I dated a girl once who turned out to be a stripper with two kids. She told me she was a telemarketer. I found out the truth from her friend. It was so stupefying and weird. A stripper? With kids? How could I not share that whopper with my friends?"--Corey "After the breakup, I usually talk about how great she was in bed -- in deep detail. At that point, it's fair game to kiss and tell."--Seth, 32, copywriter

The Post-Dump Hump

"I often wind up having sex with my exes. It's always better than the sex you had when you were together because you don't have the relationship baggage anymore."--Ontario, 26, bartender

"Sexual nostalgia can suck you in, especially after a few beers. I remember an ex coming over because she was upset and had just broken up with some guy. We hadn't spoken for eight months, and we wound up ripping each other's clothes off. After we did it, she sobbed. I thought she was sad over me, so I tried to console her. But she said she was crying over the guy she just left!" --Geoffrey

"If it's not good enough to hang out with the girl anymore, it's not good to keep having sex with her."--Roger

"Years after we broke up, an ex called me up at 5 p.m. on the dot and said, 'I'm standing in a sex shop. What should I get?' Her call definitely set the stage for major reunion sex."--Shane

When He Gets Loco After You Leave

"I took a bunch of her bras with me, put them on my charcoal grill at home, doused them with lighter fluid, and just let them go up in flames."--Wesley

"I gave her back everything she ever gave me -- poetry, a sweater -- which was really stupid because she just threw it all back in my face and shrieked, 'Well, I don't want it!'"--Seth

"I was stuck in this rut of calling and hanging up on my ex every few days. The shit hit the fan when I called up drunk at 4 a.m. and left four messages in a row on her machine. Finally, I stopped." --Sean, 25, chef

"I knew my ex was living with a new guy, and one night at 2 a.m., I decided to confront them. They lived in a second-floor rear-balcony apartment, so I climbed a tree and started knocking on their sliding-glass doors. I woke up their roommate; he was shocked to see me standing on his balcony, but he let me in. Then it hit me: I was a complete ass. They told me they wouldn't press charges if I just left." --Roger

"I slashed the tires, keyed the doors, and dented the hood of her new boyfriend's car. He never fought back because he thought I was psycho." --Corey

Who Does He Date Next -- and How Soon?

"A few weeks after we broke up, I went after the girl who I thought would annoy her most: her pretty sorority sister, whom she hated." --Ontario

"I prefer dating European women, especially after an American. Following a debilitating relationship, this German chick I went out with was so much more realistic. She didn't expect me to be Ben Affleck and have a constant romance going. Sometimes it's Monday and I don't feel romantic. Sometimes you fart and that's not romantic." --Dave

"I guess my immediate choice is for the opposite kind of girl. If my ex was wild, I want a librarian. If she was chunky, I want Ally McBeal. Then it really feels like a whole new relationship."--Nick

"The only girls I want after a breakup are centerfolds in porn magazines. I'm usually so fed up with girls at that point that I become pretty antisocial."--Roger

"I quickly get involved with a girl who's just broken up with someone too; that way we're both in transition. Maybe she's not all that, maybe she loves boy bands, maybe she snorts when she laughs. That's the rebound: You date someone who is reasonably attractive who allows you to have sex with them. Period."--Sean

Who Breaks More Hearts?

Even though 51 percent of women say they instigated their most recent breakup, only 32 percent of men admit they've been dumped. Hmm. And while 38 percent of guys dub their most recent split "mutually agreed upon," only 28 percent of women report the same.--Source: American Demographics survey

11 "Don't-Tell-the-Wife" Secrets All Men Keep

WebMD Feature from "Redbook" Magazine
By Ty Wenger

There comes a time in every man's life when he discovers the value of hiding the grosser parts of his nature. He starts reciting the sweet nothings you long to hear: "No, honey, I play golf for the exercise." "No, honey, I think you're a great driver." "No, honey, I wasn't looking at that coed washing the car in the rain."
We're not lying, exactly. We're just making things...easier. But Glenn Good, Ph.D., a relationship counselor, disagrees, and maybe he has a point. "These white lies are pretty innocent, but they can turn confusing," he says. "Many women think, If he's lying about himself, is he also lying about something else? Is he having an affair? To establish trust you have to tell the truth about the innocuous stuff."
And so, in the interest of uniting the sexes, we've scoured the country for guys willing to share the private truths they wouldn't normally confess. Some are a bit crass. Some you've always suspected. Some are surprisingly sweet. (Guys don't like to reveal the mushy stuff, either.) But read on, and you may discover that the truth about men isn't all that ugly.

Secret #1:
Yes, we fall in lust 10 times a day -- but it doesn't mean we want to leave you
If the oldest question in history is "What's for dinner?" the second oldest is "Were you looking at her?" The answer: Yes -- yes, we were. If you're sure your man doesn't look, it only means he possesses acute peripheral vision.
"When a woman walks by, even if I'm with my girlfriend, my vision picks it up," says Doug LaFlamme, 28, of Laguna Hills, California. "I fight the urge to look, but I just have to. I'm really in trouble if the woman walking by has a low-cut top on."
Granted, we men are well aware that our sizing up the produce doesn't sit well with you, given that we've already gone through the checkout line together. But our passing glances pose no threat.
"It's not that I want to make a move on her," says LaFlamme. "Looking at other women is like a radar that just won't turn off."

Secret #2:
We actually do play golf to get away from you
More than 21 million American men play at least one round of golf a year; of those, an astounding 75 percent regularly shoot worse than 90 strokes a round. In other words, they stink. The point is this: "Going golfing" is not really about golf. It's about you, the house, the kids -- and the absence thereof.
"I certainly don't play because I find it relaxing and enjoyable," admits Roland Buckingham, 32, of Lewes, Delaware, whose usual golf score of 105 is a far-from-soothing figure. "As a matter of fact, sometimes by the fourth hole I wish I were back at the house with the kids screaming. But any time I leave the house and don't invite my wife or kids -- whether it's for golf or bowling or picking up roadkill -- I'm just getting away."

Secret #3:
We're unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after we've made one to you
This is a dicey one, so first things first: We love you to death. We think you're fantastic. Most of the time we're absolutely thrilled that we've made a lifelong vow of fidelity to you in front of our families, our friends and an expensive videographer.
But most of us didn't spend our formative years thinking, "Gosh, I just can't wait to settle down with a nice girl so we can grow old together." Instead we were obsessed with how many women who resembled Britney Spears we could have sex with before we turned 30. Generally it takes us a few years (or decades) to fully perish that thought.

Secret #4:
Earning money makes us feel important
In more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband -- almost double the number in 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Right?
Yeah, well, that's what we tell you. But we're shallow, competitive egomaniacs. You don't think it gets under our skin if our woman's bringing home more bacon than we are -- and frying it up in a pan?
"My wife and I are both reporters at the same newspaper," says Jeffrey Newton, 33, of Fayetteville, South Carolina. "Five years into our marriage I still check her pay stub to see how much more an hour I make than she does. And because she works harder, she keeps closing the gap."

Secret #5:
Though we often protest, we actually enjoy fixing things around the house
I risk being shunned at the local bar if this magazine finds its way there, because few charades are as beloved by guys as this one. To hear us talk, the Bataan Death March beats grouting that bathroom shower. And, as 30-year-old Ed Powers of Chicago admits, it's a shameless lie. "In truth, it's rewarding to tinker with and fix something that, without us, would remain broken forever," he says. Plus we get to use tools.
"The reason we don't share this information," Powers adds, "is that most women don't differentiate between taking out the trash and fixing that broken hinge; to them, both are tasks we need to get done over the weekend, preferably during the Bears game. But we want the use-your-hands, think-about-the-steps-in-the-process, home-repair opportunity, not the repetitive, no-possibility-of-a-compliment, mind-dulling, purely physical task." There. Secret's out.

Secret #6:
We like it when you mother us, but we're terrified that you'll become your mother
With apologies to Sigmund Freud, Gloria Steinem -- and my mother-in-law.

Secret #7:
Every year we love you more
Sure, we look like adults. We own a few suits. We can probably order wine without giggling. But although we resemble our father when he was our age, we still feel like that 4-year-old clutching his pant leg.
With that much room left on our emotional-growth charts, we sense we've only begun to admire you in the ways we will when we're 40, 50 and -- God forbid -- 60. We can't explain this to you, because it would probably come out sounding like we don't love you now.
"It took at least a year before I really started to appreciate my wife for something other than just great sex; and I didn't discover her mind fully until the third year we were married," says Newton. "But the older and wiser I get, the more I love my wife." Adds J.P. Neal, 32, of Potomac, Maryland: "The for-richer-or-poorer, for-better-or-worse aspects of marriage don't hit you right away. It's only during those rare times when we take stock of our life that it starts to sink in."

Secret #8:
We don't really understand what you're talking about
You know how, during the day, you sometimes think about certain deep, complex "issues" in your relationship? Then when you get home, you want to "discuss" these issues? And during these "discussions," your man sits there nodding and saying things like "Sure, I understand," "That makes perfect sense" and "I'll do better next time"?
Well, we don't understand. It doesn't make any sense to us at all. And although we'd like to do better next time, we could only do so if, in fact, we had an idea of what you're talking about.
We do care. Just be aware that the part of our brain that processes this stuff is where we store sports trivia.

Secret #9:
We are terrified when you drive
Want to know how to reduce your big, tough guy to a quivering mass of fear? Ask him for the car keys.
"I am scared to death when she drives," says LaFlamme.
"Every time I ride with her, I fully accept that I may die at any moment," says Buckingham.
"My wife has about one 'car panic' story a week -- and it's never her fault. All these horrible things just keep happening -- it must be her bad luck," says Andy Beshuk, 31, of Jefferson City, Missouri.
Even if your man is too diplomatic to tell you, he is terrified that you will turn him into a crash-test dummy.

Secret #10:
We'll always wish we were 25 again
Granted, when I was 25 I was working 16-hour days and eating shrimp-flavored Ramen noodles six times a week. But as much as we love being with you now, we will always look back fondly on the malnourished freedom of our misguided youth. "Springsteen concerts, the '91 Mets, the Clinton presidency -- most guys reminisce about the days when life was good, easy and free of responsibility," says Rob Aronson, 41, of Livingston, New Jersey, who's been married for 11 years. "At 25 you can get away with things you just can't get away with at 40."
While it doesn't mean we're leaving you to join a rock band, it does explain why we occasionally come home from Pep Boys with a leather steering-wheel cover and a Born to Run CD.

Secret #11:
Give us an inch and we'll give you a lifetime
I was on a trip to Mexico, standing on a beach, waxing my surfboard and admiring the glistening 10-foot waves, when I decided to marry the woman who is now my wife. Sure, this was three years before I got around to popping the question. But that was when I knew.
Why? Because she'd let me go on vacation alone. Hell, she made me go. This is the most important thing a man never told you: If you let us be dumb guys, if you embrace our stupid poker night, if you encourage us to go surfing -- by ourselves -- our silly little hearts, with their manly warts and all, will embrace you forever for it.

And that's the truth.